Posts with tagged with "toys"

I am so full, I have no room for anything left in my bulging stomach. We made some spinach fettuccine, it is so good. I eat and eat it until there is only space in me for liquid. And yet, for some reason or another, I feel myself drawn to the cabinet, to that place where I keep my pouches of slug vomit and preserved dicks. I am bored, I still don't have a Wii U, what the hell am I going to do, get stickers in Paper Mario?

Boss' new Drive Shot canned coffee isn't brown or yellow but somewhere in-between, the color of what you'd get if a Hershey bar could take a piss. As I pop the lid I notice it smells about the same, watered down, sweet, a hint of milk, the memory of coffee beans. I imagine some old man down at the local rotary club sucking it down like a babe at the teat out of a paper cup with the fold-out handles, and start to gag, even as I pour the thin swig down my gullet, dampening my cavernous gorge.

What's more fun than a plastic packet full of cardboard? A plastic packet full of cardboard with Mario pictures printed on it! Yes, New Super Mario Bros. Wii Stage Set Gum is simultaneously the worst and most awesome candy-related product I have ever savagely grabbed from the shelf with my teeth and spat into the shopping cart with a walrus-like emission of sound. This thing hearkens back to a time when we had to use our imaginations for entertainment, when we had to have fun with spartan paper products.

The more often I'm compelled to buy crappy drinks in order to obtain video game-related trinkets, the more often I wonder whether what I'm doing really involves my mouth. With the release of Dragon Quest X imminent (no seriously, it comes out tomorrow), Square Enix has partnered up with Pepsi and their atrocious low-calorie Pepsi Nex soft drink to promote the game in its native land of Japan. With certain drinks it's easy to tell who's getting the bum deal, like when the drink is way better than the toy that's attached, like maybe Boss Coffee sticks a shitty F1 racecar onto it.

I don't know about you, but when I find myself here in Japan where I have somehow been for the last three years, and I am desperately scanning the shelves for a drink, oh god anything will do. That's why I naturally gravitate toward the bottles of stinkwater that have free toys latched onto the tops. This method has ensured the adorning of my various man bags, murses, European carry-alls, bropouches, and fanny packs with a variety of mind-numbing baubles running the gamut from tiny rubber sushi to a bear dressed like a chef to the plastic likeness of a brown-suited salaryman literally on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness.