Star Fox Assault Added to List of Punishable Texas Crimes

Following an altercation in an Austin suburb Monday, the county sheriff and city council have criminalized Star Fox assault in an unanimous 10-0 vote.

According to sources, two women and a man were peacefully waiting in line at a local movie theatre when what one bystander called a "strange-looking, human-esque fox creature" reportedly emerged from a pile of underbrush and began to violently fondle the women after pistol-whipping the man with what the victims say looked "a lot like a laser-gun."

In addition, Jon Chow, owner and proprietor of nearby Chinese buffet-style restaurant "King Buffet" also noted a rather peculiar happening.

"This fox-thing popped out from over there, behind that underbrush, and hit that guy with a gun, then started to really go at those two ladies. He kept yelling strange things like "do a barrel roll" and "aim for the open spot!" I was getting ready to call the police, but then a little jet-plane and some sort of miniature tank showed up and these weird frog and rabbit people started to cheer the fox on. I got scared and hid in the bathroom."

Witnesses noted that even as the fox, rabbit, and frog fled from the crime, they never turned around and ran in completely straight lines, even going so far as to cross through highway traffic in peak travel hours.

"It was like they were on rails or something," said area student Andrea McAndrews. "I don't know why they didn't just go into all-range mode. They even left their tank and ship behind, like they started out with more than one and could just afford to lose these, or something."

One of the victims confirmed that the attacking celestial man-fox was referred to as "McCloud" by his cohorts, and from this information the police believe that perhaps they are part of a gang of Scottish space witches bent on mayhem.

Though Star Fox assault is now criminalized, there existed no law punishing assault by a fox from the heavens prior to the event, and as such, it is impossible to press charges or launch a fox-hunt. The victims, when asked for a response by Press reporters, seemed only passively concerned.

"The star fox didn't really hurt me that badly," Morgan Conway, the first female victim, told The Press this morning. "His hands were very soft, and he seemed to have a way with women that I haven't seen in a man for weeks. Also his fur was incredibly realistic looking." Victoria Johnson, the second victim, echoed Conway's sentiments. "He wasn't that forceful and something about him holding me at laser-gunpoint was really sexy."

Lawmakers of the city council were amused for the most part, but one town ne'er-do-well expressed her concerns. "What's wrong with you people?" she asked in a press conference this morning. "There were man-sized creatures molesting our women and beating down an upstanding citizen! Did anyone even see what happened to those vehicles they left behind?" The last part of her cry for attention was overshadowed by the deafening screams of the minature tank and jet being commandered by local youth at a nearby park.

We'll have more on this story as it develops.