Howard Lincoln Assassinated by Disoriented, Time-Traveling John Wilkes Booth

After an inexplicable journey through time itself, famed assassin John Wilkes Booth mistakenly shot former-Nintendo of America representative director and chairman Howard Lincoln in a hilarious mix-up that had crowds roaring at a local theatre.

While traveling down a D.C. area dirt road in 1865, Booth's stagecoach was rapidly accelerated to 88 miles-per-hour by an improbably powerful steed.

"I was in my coach on a bit of a ramble to Ford's theatre when out of the blue my fine horse here was spooked by some small woodland creature," said Booth, still chuckling from the zany turn of events.

Furthering the peculiarity of these events was a stray lightning strike which struck the twelve-foot long decorative pole Booth had recently installed in his vehicle.

"I felt warm and then some blue sparks were flying about -- pyrotechnics by the local boys I figured as I waved and smiled -- but when I glanced over to naysay those ruffians, I noticed I was being propelled at an incredible rate of speed. Before I knew it I was in front of the theatre, though it looked markedly different and was surrounded by futuristic metal carriages."

Booth was said to have been seen charging in a side entrance dressed in what an interrogated security guard called "flamboyant attire."

"I figured he was here as part of the stage show," the guard told Press reporters. He had that really old-fashioned gun and seemed to look quite... unkempt."

Several patrons plunking down their hard-earned dollars on soda and Jujubes also noticed a man running past them in what the snack-bar cashier referred to as a "ridiculous get-up." Though she failed to see much more than some tattered rags, a gun, and a murderous rage in the assailant's eye, she still reported the appearance to the side-door security guard, who dismissed her claim on account of her being female.

"Looking back maybe I should have put the pieces together," the security guard said. "I mean it's not every day that a crazy guy in a carriage with a huge decorative rod comes charging in here in a blaze of sparks being pulled by horses with flames following them on the street.

The theatre's manager was unimpressed with the guard's efforts. "I am unimpressed with the guard's efforts," said the manager in an exclusive statement to The Press.

Booth allegedly made his way to Lincoln's private box where the Lincoln family was being served stew by their private chef during the play. Lincoln's chef had a tall black stewpot raised near the Nintendo executive's head which convinced the disoriented Booth of Lincoln's identity.

"Mr. Booth over here opened fire and shot Howie in the stomach," said Lisa Lincoln, wife of Howard. "It was completely unexpected, and to be honest, I was a little upset."

The mistake was soon discovered when a theatre patron cried out in terror.

"Some guy in the audience shouted "somebody shot Lincoln!" and Booth just smiled and nodded, but when the audience member elaborated, saying "somebody shot former-Nintendo of America representative director and chairman and partial-Seattle Mariners owner Howard Lincoln," you could see Booth's expression turn from excitement to embarassment," said a long-winded anonymous bystander.

"Once we figured out what had happened, we all burst into laughter," said victim Howard Lincoln to Press reporters shortly after the altercation. "I could barely breathe because I was laughing so hard, but also because my right lung had collapsed."

Amid furious bouts of laughter and applause, Lincoln was brought to the emergency room where he immediately died.

Without any practical grasp on time travel, Booth will likely remain trapped in our time. Questions still remain if this will damage relations between the 21st and 19th centuries.

Booth was initially to be tried for murder, but his case was dismissed because the murder was deemed "unintentional" and "way funny." Lincoln's family somberly agreed when reached for comment, and then burst into fits of furious laughter. Booth's family was unavailable for comment, as they have been deceased for over 150 years.

Funeral services will commence on Monday.