Star Fox Assault Added to List of Punishable Texas Crimes

Following an altercation in an Austin suburb Monday, the county sheriff and city council have criminalized Star Fox assault in an unanimous 10-0 vote.

According to sources, two women and a man were peacefully waiting in line at a local movie theatre when what one bystander called a "strange-looking, human-esque fox creature" reportedly emerged from a pile of underbrush and began to violently fondle the women after pistol-whipping the man with what the victims say looked "a lot like a laser-gun."

In addition, Jon Chow, owner and proprietor of nearby Chinese buffet-style restaurant "King Buffet" also noted a rather peculiar happening.

See ASSAULT on page 3

Nintendo Console to Replace Handle With Trailer Hitch

Citing success with their handle-bearing totable Gamecube console, Nintendo has announced that their next-generation Revolution console will do the GameCube one better by featuring a full-sized, regulation trailer hitch.

"We feel that just as the handle created a sense of community and portability with the GameCube, the trailer hitch will open up a whole new dimension of travel with the Revolution," said Nintendo executive Shigeru Miyamoto. "Imagine taking a camping trip where you could have your Nintendo console with you, right behind the truck or trailer. This is something our competitors simply can't offer. Sony and Microsoft's systems are distinct in their lack of stylish towing options."

See TRAILER on page 4

New Intern Akwardly Suggests Nin-eleven-do as New Console Title

Newly hired Nintendo of America intern Greg Johnson caused a great deal of discomfort at a regular staff meeting Thursday after misinterpreting the significance of the company's name in a great show of ignorance.

See INTERN on page 6

Local Superhero "E-Man" Tired of Being Poked

"Is it so much to ask?" said local superhero and bastion of glory for many, E-Man, in a recent press conference. "It is really so much to ask to have you all stop poking me?" E-Man is reportedly quite tired of being poked by random children and easily persuaded adults.

See E-MAN on page 6

"Who Are You?" Campaign Inadvertently Devised by Senile Marketing Executive

It was revealed yesterday to The Press that the defining Nintendo advertising campaign "Who Are You?" was devised by geriatric marketing executive Wilbur Cunning during an encounter with the company's president in the hallway.

See WILBUR on page 6

Paper Mario, Others Homeless after Desk Lamp Incident

Paper Mario has found himself without a home after a 120 watt bulb was mistakenly placed in a desk lamp by an unknowing youth recently. Reportedly, the two-dimensional hero had just set off for the Mushroom Kingdom castle to enjoy some delicious cake Peach had prepared for him when he noticed an extremely harsh and bright light from above.

"I was-a thinking you know that-a this sun, shes a little too bright today see, and then I went-a back to my home and poof! Shes-a nothing but-a some ashes," Paper Mario said when questioned by Press reporters.

See BARBEQUE on page 5

"The last issue of The Press erroneously attributed the phrase "crotch badger" to Mr. Satoru Iwata, when it was in fact uttered by our own Smith Gregg during a heated explanation of last night's drunken events. The Press deeply regrets this error."