| Volume 1, Issue 1 | 20 October 2004 |
Aran Lobbies Bounty Hunters Union for Equal Access
(Hunter HQ, ZEBES) -- Decorated Bounty Hunter and frequent saver of the galaxy Samus Aran today submitted a bill to the Hunters Union that would extend membership eligibility to women and what she proposed could be classified as "friendly Metroids."
The Bounty Hunters Union, a centuries old institution insuring fair contracts and providing retirement plans for its members, has traditionally only accepted human males into its ranks.
"I think it's really quite a good idea to make the Union more accessible," Aran said during a public conference. "By extending equal rights to non-Chozo, and allowing not only human men but human women to join as well, we would be more accurately representing the Hunters of the galaxy." Aran also went on to say that she does recognize that many may be apprehensive about admitting Metroids for membership, but finds many potential benefits in the proposition. "Metroids are not just parasites wandering remote locations in search of nourishment from other life-forms... they are actually a very cultured and peaceful race."
Aran failed to discuss last month's Metroid attack on a Brinstar retirement home during which over thirty invalids and cripples were drained to within an even smaller portion of their lives after security guards failed to recognize the approaching Metroid herd and engage their plasma cannons.
"You can't really blame us for the attack," one security guard at the aforementioned retirement home stated in a videotaped statement to the press. "I mean, in order to get the plasma cannon we'd have to go get the Ice Beam and the Wave Beam first, and I think, the Morph Ball, is it?"
Lets be honest, said Torvald Jones, president of the Union. Women cant hunt. You dont see me trying to get into the Galactic Womens Union of Inability and Listlessness do you? Thats because women are good at those things, and men are good at jumping around and killing stuff.
Aran remained optimistic about her proposal but proponents of shooting down the bill were of adamant confidence that it would not be passed. One such proponent stated confidently that to allow Metroids into the Union would be "stupid," and an older male member said of Aran's proposal for female admittance that "...allowing females would be ridiculous. I don't know what Aran looks like under that helmet of his, but I guarantee that no women in a Bounty Hunters Union would likely be interested in a man, as well."
One aspiring female bounty hunter struck down that claim, stating she was "very excited" about pursuing a relationship with the well-proportioned Aran.
The bill is set to be voted on in the coming weeks.
Front Page | 20 October 2004 Edition