[12.19] XXV - Tomorrow Never Knows
Dear Heart Containers,
A lot can happen in a year! In fact, it has been one entire year since the last issue of Heart Containers walked these hallowed halls. In some respects, the fact that this installment arrives a year later, with some of the same letters that were sent in last time, is almost like an enjoyable exercise in time travel.
What were we doing last year at this time? I was playing the new Animal Crossing on my regular-sized DS, anxiously awaiting all the revelations of next year's E3, gearing up for my trip to Pennsylvania for the holiday season, seeing the crappy King Kong movie, ordering Electroplankton off of Nintendo's online store because I was sure it would be limited and SELL OUT REALLY FAST and watching the damned Colts get disappointed in their run for the Super Bowl (hopefully this year will be better).
But a lot can happen in a year! Now instead of playing Animal Crossing on our regular DSes, we're not playing Animal Crossing at all on our shiny new DS lites! Not only did we see the revelations of E3, but a lot of us even own our future-crazy Wii systems! I live in Pennsylvania now so I hardly need to drive there. Electroplankton turned out being an alright idea, even though that's not my auction. King Kong totally blew, and this year the Colts are at it again!
Some more unexpected things happened too in N-Sider land. Heart Containers are no longer four pieces, but five (thanks, Twilight Princess), we're doing our own reviews now, and the site's even been re-arranged a little bit.
Since we're TRAVELLING THROUGH TIME, the year-old letters are even a little bit relevant! And I even got some new ones today from my bestest buds in the #n-sider chat.
Oh this year I even finally learned to use Photoshop instead of just Paint all the time! Look at this old Heart Containers graphic:
And look how cool it is now that I've updated it in Photoshop!
Truly it has been a good year!
| I Remember Christmas |
Hey Brandon, happy xmas and new year and all that jazz.
I was just wondering if you or any of your readers have ever, after a heavy night and a 6am alarm call, staggered out of the house carrying your GameCube instead of your laptop?
I mean, what the hell were Nintendo's designers thinking? It's black, its square, its got a handle! Just asking for confusion. It got me thinking.
It's not like this is an isolated incident! Nintendo routinely base their consoles on innocent household appliances to trick you into using them 24/7.
Take a look at their consoles through the ages:
Game&Watch: Clearly designed as an 80's TV remote control, probably to brainwash elderly relatives at Christmas: "Lets watch those nice pretty boys tell ugly men how to dress! I'll just push this button here... hmm? Why, it's a monkey, how sweet. What's that barrel? Auuugh! BAD Monkey! JUMP TINY BEEPING MAN, JUUUMP!"
NES: Toaster. Or video recorder. Possibly mailbox. Once, memorably in our house, unintended makeshift gerbil cage. Cunning blighters, these Japanese.
Gameboy: Geiger Counter. Long Island and Chernobyl explained right there.
SNES: Even more cunning here. In Japan and Europe, chic, classy understated smooth lines, while a magical button caused the top to fly open and display the goods. Exactly like our girlfriends. In the US, it looked like a fridge. I'm saying nothing.
N64: Pile-driven tortoise. Sorry? What? Well, we had one at OUR house.
GBA: I never owned a GBA, but the old style blue one looks like someone dropped a diving-mask wearing Smurf in a car compactor. Fine, I'm reaching.
DS: Trouser press.
So, are Nintendo planning to replace every single object in our lives with consoles that look like them? And, if they are, why? Is this some Day Of The Triffids plot? More importantly, will the final design of the Revolution in actual fact be based on, say, a vacuum cleaner? Or a cup of tea? WHERE WILL IT ALL END?
Also, what the hell does the GBA look like, because I couldn't think of anything :-)
Thanks, love the site.
Tim Sutton
| ME TOO |
Not that you could have possibly known, but the Wii most certainly resembles LeVar Burton, circa The Next Generation!
visor lol
| Oh a Knife |
Dear Brandon,
I'm going to ride right past the "what did you get for Christmas" thing, because it's now February -- or, as those crazy French Canadians say, Fevrier. Which brings me to my topic: Valentine's Day.
What can you possibly get a gamer for Valentine's Day, Brandon? I ask you. A chocolate PS2? Cinnamon zombies? One doesn't normally use the words "gamer" and "romance" in the same sentence, but what about that poor lone gaming geek who sheds a single tear while they rock out on Guitar Hero? As much as I hate to admit it, nerds are people too, and I'm sure they have hearts locked away in those cavernous combo-filled chest regions. The alliteration alone makes a small piece of my heart bleed.
So, the question is: can you come up with any clever Valentine's Day suggestions? For example, how can one successfully combine the use of body paint while playing Smash Bros.? I look forward to your next mind-blowing update, Brandon.
-Beth
| Cut Cut Cut Cut Cut |
What could someone possibly give a gamer for Valentine's Day?
The same thing you give anyone else!
| I Feel Pretty |
Hey, Brandon
How come you don't update heartcontainers anymore? Is it cause you suck? Cause that's what I heard. That you sucked.
This christmas was useless, thanks for reminding me.
This is what I got:
1. Blue shirt
2. Light blue shirt
3. Black & Blue shirand so on...
I got tons of blue shirts this year, and no games. So update it goddamit.
--Sage
| Oh So Pretty |
It is wholly unfortunate that you don't need any more clothing, because I already bought you a gift card for Talbots!
does this mean the wedding is off
| Oh How Great, It's Notsol |
Dear Heart Containers,
You contain a tiny tiny heart. Give christmas back to the Whos down in Whoville and let the damned bottled fairy go.
Also, why did Cory try to kill you? What's his problem? You've been dead for a year, SO DO SOMETHING!
Rise up from the grave and kick him in his jingle bells with a Heart Cntainers Christmas present to all!
-notso
| Oh |
I was going to make fun of you because my tiny heart makes room for my MASSIVE BRAIN but I enjoyed your use of the term "jingle bells." That is to say, I like how you said that instead of gonads.
cory trying to knife some broad
| Hello Little Boy |
Dear Heart Containers: For christmas, I'd like a Nintendo Wii, a bicycle, a helmet so I never hurt myself ever again, and jacket so I don't get cold. Wait... This isn't Santa! You lied to me!
Crazymark
| I Must Do This One Thing |
Dear Mark,
please let me have you
| TheOneGuy Wants My Gak |
Dear Hearty,
I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY BODY.
Togglesworth
p.s. Including my you-know-what, yarr.
| Splat |
| It Am Impostor |
Dear Heart Containers,
HAH, YOU DISAGREED WITH ME, THUS MAKING YOU THINK YOU WERE BETTER, BUT REALLY IT IS I WHO HAS THE UPPER HAND BECAUSE YOU FELL FOR MY TRAP... MY TRAP OF CLEVERNESS! INSIDE THIS CLEVER TRAP YOU FELL, AND ALL YOUR CLEVERNESS WILL NOT GET YOU OUT! MY CLEVER PLAN HAS NEVER FAILED BEFORE, IT IS TOO CLEVER AND I DEFEATED YOU. CLEVERLY, I SET A TRAP THAT YOU FELL IN BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER NOW, WHICH MEANS IN YOUR ARROGANCE, YOU WILL FALTER AND MY CLEVER WIT WILL CLEVERLY BURY YOU IN A MOUNTAIN OF CLEVERNESS AND I WILL CLEVERLY DESTROY YOU! YOU FAIL... BECAUSE I AM CLEVER!
Love,
The one, the only, the extremely clever Smaug!!!1!PS: You're wrong!
Cleverly, Smaug.
| Let Me Show You It |
Brandon: i suspect this was not actually written by smaug
Cory: really?
Cory: why?
Brandon: well
Brandon: a little bit
Brandon: i sort of suspect it
Cory: well aren't you the suspicious one
Brandon: it is true, i have a suspicion
Brandon: what would you like to eat
Brandon: for food
Cory: popcorn
Brandon: do you think smaug likes popcorn
Cory: who cares
Brandon: do you think he saurus
Cory: what do you call his dog
Brandon: dickasaurus rex
Cory: sigh
Brandon: do you still love me
Cory: no
| One Last Final |
Dear Brandon,
I am sorry that Heart Containers will be over soon. Sometimes there were funny pictures involved.
Mostly it was dumb.
Much Love,
Jessica
| GOOD-BY |
Ah yes, the final, cruel truth...
--- Closing Comments --- That's right!
You are watching on your computer screens the very final super ultra last edition of Heart Containers. It has gone on for twenty-five glorious editions!
In a way, it is sort of the spirit of the season. After all, even Rocky Balboa has come back for ANOTHER SHOT so that he might finally hang up his gloves in style after the sour taste of Rocky V. Perhaps it is simply the nature of all excellent things! That they must one day end, fade into the collective memories of the consciousness of our floaty masses.
It has been an absolute honor having a semi-public outlet for my ridiculous Paint efforts. I hope you all enjoyed the humiliation. I know I sure became a better person because of it. If you remember the very first edition of Heart Containers, you might recall that the column used to provide coherent and useful responses. I checked and I think you can note the exact point that the column slipped into decline! For me it was this image:
It is generally a good rule of thumb to assume that any time you see Martha Stewart's head in a toilet there are problems on the horizon.
In all seriousness it almost makes me a little bit sad to leave the column behind. I feel like I'm closing off a portion of my life, really! But we all must keep going, WITH OR WITHOUT HEART CONTAINERS.
Perhaps some day I will even come back for one more shot at the title. Any final secret thoughts may be e-mailed to me at the address down there.
NEVER FORGETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
plz
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |