[11.13] XXIII - Les Lumieres
Two weeks! Right on schedule this time, aren't we? Yes, yes we are. Two... weeeeekssss
So what's happened in the last two weeks? Nintendo's Wi-Fi Connection service has gone live, a few overzealous people have gotten early copies of Mario Kart DS and have consequently derided the lopsidedness of two-player online modes and the brutal difficulty of obtaining three-star ranks in Mission mode, and a bunch of yahoos have started getting ready for the Xbox 360 to make its EARTH SHATTERING debut here in the states.
Metroid Prime Pinball is out, Shadow of the Colossus is out, Mario Kart DS, Snowboard Kids, Sonic Rush, Mario and Luigi, and Dragon Quest VIII are all coming in the next couple weeks... it's a crazy time to have no dollars. Luckily, once per year, the kid you picked on in high-school dresses up in red and travels about, delivering morsels of enjoyment to your maybe-having-chimney houses.
Last time I told you to write in with stuff about Shadow of the Colossus, porno, and something else. So some of you did!
| Wah |
For Christ's sake, you didn't print my Pulp Fiction letter. Thanks a lot.
Jon
| Dear John |
Dear Jon,
Though I appreciate the effort you put into taking a scene from Pulp Fiction and substituting the words and phrases for videogame related terms, which, I might remark, is both wholly innovative and entertaining, sadly I do not always have the means or the desire to print every letter I receive. Sometimes letters are simply too long and do not mesh with the format of my column. These must be regrettably left behind. For some comfort on this issue, let me point you to another person in a similar situation.
Together, your strength in numbers will assure you of your humorous merit and unjust letdown.
| WANDA WANDA |
Hey there "Brandon".
Wanda and Colossus is really not as good as people say. In fact, it's worse.
A few clever battles mixed in with a few fistfulls of dull ones, piled on top of hours of boring "exploration" that is so mind-numbingly boring I had to stop playing it for a few days is not what I call a good game. The graphics are muddy, there's hideous slow down, and the CONTROLS! Don't even get me STARTED on the most terrible controls I've experienced since...Well, no, I'm pretty sure they are the worst ever. Navigating the horse is like trying to manuvere a tank in a living room, and when you are actually on a Colossus, you practically have to hold the controller upside down to get to all the right buttons.
Couple all that lameness with a stupid story, AWFUL soundtrack, and ZERO replay value from a super-short game, and you have a pile of SOMETHING not even worth a rental.
...
Actually, I don't think any of that's true. It's definatly the most spectaular game I've played this year. Another must buy from Team ICO, or whoever they are, and congradulations on once again proving that a game can be something more than just a game.
-Mr. Bloober
P.S. Man I totally had you going didn't I? Yeah, I'm awesome like that.
| On the Rocks |
Bloob,
Up until yesterday, I hadn't played Shadow of the Colossus at all, and to be quite frank, I was very skeptical of the reviews I had been reading. Yeah, I liked ICO, but I like gameplay, too, and the sounds of it had made it seem like SotC was gonna be a little light on that, consisting basically of boss fights and the relatively barren trips between them.
Now, having been able to play the damned game, through the generosity of fellow Press-er Smith Gregg letting me borrow his copy, I can safely say that the damned thing is fun, no matter how much I wanted to hate it contrary to everyone else's story.
This isn't to say that it's not competing heavily for my attention with Mario Kart DS -- it is. I guess it's further proof that two completely different kinds of game can both have entirely different appeal and merit while remaining the best experiences possible in their specific genres.
And now, to end this relatively composed and on topic set of letter and response, here is a picture of Bea Arthur in a gravy boat.
| Beth |
Dear Brandon,
So, this bi-weekly challenge revolves around pornography, alcohol, Shadow and football? I'm unable to fit pornography into this scheme, but my mind immediately conjures the following image: a drunken football fan charges the field and -- having just that weekend played a Shadow of the Colossus marathon -- clambers on top of the quarterback, punching the team insignia on his helmet incessantly. Oh, the things we do for the love of our late porn star girlfriends. Did I say I couldn't fit pornography in there? I was wrong.
In fact, the other day when me and the colossi were playing a game of football out back in the forbidden lands... But no, I didn't think Shadow of the Colossus was as fabulous as Ico. Not as epic and jaw-dropping, which is odd considering how epic and jaw-dropping it was. It could be that, as a girl, I'm not as into a game with lots of action and some dead chick. The horse was pretty amazing though. I think he might have been the real hero of the game -- and the game was pretty sweet, so you should definitely give it a try when you get the chance.
-Beth
| Wife of |
The image of some crazy football fan climbing atop my beloved Peyton Manning and repeatedly punching him in the Colts insignia, until, sapped and defeated, Manning falls to the ground with a slow-motion growl, is quickly taking its place atop my list of funny things I can think about in awkward situations, pummeling its distinguishing mark until it too falls to the onslaught.
It's funnier really though, now that I've played the game. I can see the X-rated sequel already, wherein you must quest for pornstars, climb atop them, and punch their breasts into mush as they collapse in defeated, unattractive piles.
| Oh Chris |
Hmmmmmm. Uhhhh, Im not exactly sure what to write about because Ive given up all pornography, Ive be dry for 3 years now and I own a playstation 2 but Im too lazy to go to the store and buy or rent shadow of colossus. Oh, I know, Ill bash the colts!!!! First of all, there defense is highly overrated. Second of all, just because your QB is second best in the league, doesnt mean your going to have an unstoppable offense And lastly, Ely is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than Peyton. Yea, I said it.
PS. I was drunk and distracted by porn and shadow of colossus (this game is sick!!) to type anything that made sense, so just forget everything you just read.
| Yeah |
CHRISTOPHER!
To say that "just because your quarterback is second best in the league doesn't mean you're going to have an unstoppable offense" is like saying "just because you have every weapon in the world doesn't mean you can do some damage."
As the Colts have proven over the last nine games, they can pound the life from any team they play, including your favorite team, the Houston Texans. To familiarize my readers with the calibur of player that makes up this team, let me post a picture which I culled from recon gathered at the last super secret team meeting:
| Ricardo Uses the Keyboard |
Hey man, whats up Braaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnndoooonnnnnnn! Hows the hobo-springs this time of year?
Oh, right, games. Hmm.. My to-get-list is at around $500+ now, kinda behind. Heh. But I'll be getting several of them soon since I'm working now. Whoo!
Ricardo
| Oooh, aaaah |
Hello Riiiiiiccccccaaaaaarrrrrdooooooo!
The hobo-springs are light and bubbly, with a slighty frothy coating and a slightly acidic taste. Still, November is not the prime month for springing, and this is mostly a delicacy enjoyed in the mid-May time frame.
My to-get list is also at around five hundred dollars, but if I play my cards right, I might be able to slip one of them a roofie, and she'd be a lot easier to talk down after that.
Love, Brandon
--- Closing Comments --- Well, it's been a long and interesting two weeks. We've discussed Shadow of the Colossus, why the Colts are Better Than Your Favorite Team, and ex-Golden Girls swimming in thick gravy.
For next time, I want you to write about the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection, and the future of Nintendo online games in general. How have your experiences been with Mario Kart DS? Are there any other games in the future which you think are just screaming for online support? Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games where you get to beat up hookers? Pokemon online where every trainer is a real person? Super-Get-Drunk-In-A-Virtual-Bar 64 Revolution?
Write to me for next time, and every person who gets printed will get their letter on the World Wide Web free of charge!
Peace, love, and pork-and-beans,
Brandon
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |