[10.31] XXII - Vampire Killer
Happy Halloween, N-Sider-ites!
Ah, Halloween. It's the time of year when I like to dust off my scented candles, crack open a cold beverage of my choice, and play lots of Castlevania games repeatedly. Did you all remember to set your clocks back an hour? At least you United States-ians. I think other parts of the world might do it too but I'm far too concerned on ethnocentrism to worry about everyone else on Earth. But enough with pertinent things.
Did you miss me? So many things have happened since the last column! I've switched apartments as I'm sure many of you people have. I went to Florida and came back, almost killed myself intentionally to avoid telemarketing, got a job at Target and then lost it, then started my senior year here at ISU. I'm sure everyone else is having times chock-full of change and excitement too.
Last column I told you to write in about what sort of videogame movies you'd make if you could pick the actors and everything. How exciting!
| True Crime |
Movie ideas, eh? All right, I think I can cook up something.
1) Streets of Star Fox. It's about Fox McCloud (Charlie Sheen), who in this situation is a gangster-turned-hero who fights crime in Corneria. He is joined by his buddies Peppy Hare (Kevin Costner), Slippy Toad (Jackie Chan), and Falco (Chris Rock). Of course, Andross, the biggest crime boss in the city, is played by none other than Michael Richards.
2) World of Warcraft: Battleground: The Movie. It's a pretty standard battle movie, featuring the epic clash of the Alliance and the Horde. Unfortunately, some viewers may have to wait 3-4 hours for the show to begin due to server crowding.
That's about it for now.
-OrangeVestBoy
| Streets of Corneria |
I keep thinking of Michael Richards as Andross now and it's pretty scary. TIME TO SHOW YOUR TRUE FORM and he blows open and it's Kramer. It's a Festivus Miracle!
But a Starfox movie. Oh yes.
| Though Moore Smells |
Hello
Ok, I know its not exactly what you had in mind with this question, but my idea is a film by Michael Moore about how bad video games are for kids!!! For one thing, Michael Moore is a huge douche, and since the idea of video games actually making kids violent is a very douche-ish idea, it seemed only fitting that he be the person to make a movie about it... It would of course be about Michael Moore following around people that know nothing about video games (like a teacher or a lawyer) and asking their opinions on the matter. He would flaunt around stats and info about kids murdering people and how they had played a violent game once, therefor the game made them murderous. Blah blah blah blah blah etc. He would try to be clever, and fail. He would try to be funny, and fail. He would try to make a good movie, and fail. Just to make it clear I obviously dont think video games make children violent...I just think it would be entertaining watching someone make a movie trying to convince people that they do, and look like a total dumbass in the process. Sorry that I cant do any better...its like 2 in the morning and Im just bored enough to write some random email about Michael Moore and video game violence...:\-Your friend (but not really), Kyle
| You Still Lose |
Whatever it was you just suggested didn't sound like a videogame to me! YOU LOSE!
| Movie Stuff |
First, who the hell is that mr frost wannabe joker dude? Meh anyways its free stuff so once again I shall do a crappy attempt at winning it.
Videogames into movies uh? I have some really good ideas that would make some big blockbusters:
Kid Icarus
Pit : Robert de Niro
Medusa: Mary Tyler Moore
Eggplant Wizard: Jack Nicholson
God: john LeguizamoKid Icarus Tells the story about a young Pit who is sent by god to stop the evil ploys of medusa to take over the angel realm. Nop its not a kids movie, as some parents would find the sight of Robert de niro in short, white greek Clothes a bit disturbing. This movie features arrow-time slow motion SFX and the death of legolas by the hands of Jack Nicholson(Eggplant Wizard)
Duck Hunt:
Hunter: Keanu Reeves
Dog: Robbin Williams
Random Woman: Mary Tyler MooreThis is the story of hunter, a man who wants to be the world's most famous duck hunter and goes on a trip trhough the world's most famous swamps with his trusty Dog and the lovely random woman. It's a heart-touching story about love, killing ducks, and hope.
The Princess' Diary 4
Princess Peach: Natalie Portman
Queen Toadstool: Mary Tyler Moore
Mario Mario: John Goodman
Luigi Mario: Dan Aykroyd
Toad: Woody Allen
King Bowser: Bruce Willis
Prince: Leonardo Di CaprioWe follow the princess peach's story as she gets divorced from the actual Prince to live a life of danger, procrastination and orgies with the Mario and Luigi Brothers. This leads into a tale of crimes and the murder of king Bowser by the hands of the dreadful trio. This movie is not suited for the small children as it contains scenes of sex, rape, homosexuality(Toad and the prince) and violence.
Metal Gear Solid
Staff: I have no Idea.
This is the only serious movie I would like to see. Something based on the actual game, not something else using the game's name, like every vg movie. sure the story is a bit long but it could be shortened without losing too many details. And they would have a hard time finding good actors to fill the roles of these highly interesting characters. But whoever they chose, Mary Tyler Moore should be there. Oh and Hideo should direct it.
~Michael Molina
| Natalie Portman |
Did you say "Natalie Portman?"
...
Thanks for giving me an excuse to Google for Natalie Portman pictures. It made the horrible pain of adding HTML to your letter a little less devastating.
Yeah your movie ideas are okay too I guess.
| PACMANNNN |
I think that you should remind me of something in your respnse to this letter, but I don't know what, you'll think of something. Or I will rip off your balls and feed it to my cat. If you insult my cat I will do the above. ANYWAY, they should make Pac-man into a movie. Imagine a yellow blob eating things and the law sending out ghosts to stop it. But when Pac-man eats too much he explodes and dies, killing everything. I'm not sure how to end this letter so how about I just threaten to rip your balls off and feed it to my cat!
A psychotic friend.
PS Please don't sue me
PPS I don't know what for, maybe you'll think of somethig.
| Remember This |
You think that I should remind you of something? What the hell? OH hey remember that time when I ripped your balls off and fed it to my cat?
He is FIERCE and ready for battle!
PS I used to know some guy with your name when I was but a wee lad!
PPS shut up
| Poor Pong |
I've always wondered when we were going to see Pong: The Movie.
It's about a spunky kid living happily in a non-violent-gang-infested, hooker-infested, drug-infested, but otherwise strangely hygienic neighborhood. Then, suddenly, one day, his happy life is shattered by a tragic accident in which a gigantic square white cube flattens his single mother while she is innocently walking the red light district. At the same time, an evil politician wants to demolish his lovely neighborhood and turn it into a toxic radioactive waste dump.
Said spunky kid has no choice but to throw himself into a garbage compactor, which miraculously turns him into a long white line. And so he saves the universe from more gigantic square white cubes, and also gets the evil politician voted out and all the non-violent gang members and hookers and drugs dance in the streets in a stirring musical closing.
Matt
| Bleep |
Pong? PONG! NOOOOO!!!!!
This issue of Heart Containers really sucks.
| Wow |
Hey heart containers (forgot your name) i am here to supply you with more absolutely shocking games that nintendo will never make! first of, to expand on that guys mario painball idea, why not Nintendo paintball? the worlds first family friendly FPS!with all the nintendo characters included, you go around big maps blasting each other with paintballs. each character would have abilities like samus's morph ball or, i dunno, marios double jump or luigy's water skip and Warios ability to smash stuff. each character would have "stats" IE Speed, Strenght, Endurance, each giving them characteristics, like luigi would ave lots of speed, making him hard to hit, but little endurance meaning he "dies" or gets out in one it. where as wario would be slow but takes several hits.
Also SSB 3 should have biger stages. and i dont want a prze... that snow man creeps me out.
| Neat |
This is actually a very spiffy idea. TOO BAD YOU MISSED IT LAST TIME WHEN I ASKED TO SEND IN GAME IDEAS JESUS GOD WHERE IS YOUR BRAINS
...and before you ask NO that is not my fist but imagine it is and it's ramming into your stomach!
| HA |
Okay, I'm not sure if this qualifies as an "existing" game that should be made into a movie, but I think I'd pay to see a Mario Paint movie.
It would star Danny Devito as Mario, the tortured artist, and Sharon Stone as Peach, the washed up actress that sticks around because she apparently has nothing better to do. Jeff Goldblum would play Luigi, the gangly brother with good intentions who gets pushed away time and again by Mario.
Mario's overnight fame is too much to deal with and he turns to drugs to ease the pain. His drug-induced hallucinations inspire ever greater works of art, mainly dealing with princesses, animated stick figures, and the looming specter of infinite flies to be swatted. Eventually, Mario is enrolled in the Plumbing Art Therapy School, with the burnt out teacher being played by Nick Nolte.
Directed by Roman Polanski, this is a searing tale of one man's meteoric rise to fame, descent into madness, and eventual redemption.
-Beth
| Yes |
This might be the only letter in today's column that is actually funny!
Come on people just get to the end and then this horrible thing can be over!
| Oldson |
That Lord of the Rings game was pretty good. They should make a movie out of that. Maybe even a book series.
Also, the Olsen twins should star as Megaman and Zero in the remake of Casablanca set in the future.
| Frankie |
I would like you to know that I printed your letter because it had a picture attached to it, and to the casual eye it will look like I made the picture and not you! Thanks for the credit, sucker!
--- Closing Comments --- I didn't print some of your letters this week because I really just need to get this column over with. To be honest, some of you put thought into them and they were too thought out for anyone to want to actually read them. But I did. Anyway, the lifeless shell of a Heart Containers you see is the amazing kickstart to what shall be a regularly-updating columns schedule, with new content guaranteed! at least once per week. Heart Containers will become a bi-weekly feature along with Q&A, and we're also gonna be bringing back The Rumor Mill, making sure N-Banter drops like a hot biscuit on a regular basis, and pounding your genitals in with HOT new installments of Now Playing.
For next week, please write in and talk to me about pornography and alcohol! Or you know, all the new games coming out. Or why Shadow of the Colossus isn't as good as everyone is saying it is (it might be, I haven't played it). Or why your favorite football team sucks compared to my delicious Indianapolis Colts.
PS please write I'm really going to keep updating this time I promise
Love Brandon
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |