[06.20] XXI - Madeleine Elster
Can you at all possibly believe that on my first column back from a three-month hiatus I received the largest number of letters in the history of Heart Containers? At least I'm pretty sure this is the most. FOURTEEN LETTERS for christsakes! And most of them are actually funny, completely going against the Heart Containers Way. Maybe it was the promise of a free swag giveaway that jumpstarted your contributions!
Last week I told you to write in with your best idea for a game that Nintendo would never make. It's probably the best topic ever. Nothing gets your creative juices flowing like extreme crossover fantasies! So, anyway, I'm really glad all you people wrote in.
I think that I need to tell you a story before we start the column though.
Hey you scalleywag! Stop your scrolling down and read my damned story.
Last night I was sitting here in my room and all of a sudden I was like "hey I really need some Taco Bell" and so I decided that since it was such a nice evening, I'd go for a stroll to the nearest one. Taco Bells aren't really abundant in central Iowa: "Taco John's" is our (regional) texi-mexi franchise of choice around here. Their commercials consist of an exploited monkey wearing a cowboy hat riding around on a dog or something.
...but I digress. Anyway Taco Bell is only a couple of blocks away so I walk over there and it's not a bad walk but I get there and it's like 10:30 in the evening and only the drive-thru is open. So I think "whatever" and walk over to the menu thing and of course they don't answer cause I'm not as heavy as a car and the damned thing doesn't trigger. So I jump on it like I can generate a ton of force or something and I can't so I walk over to the window and the guy comes over to it and I'm like "hey can I just order here" and he's like "no sorry our insurance doesn't let us do that" and I'm like "what?" And so I say "I'm just gonna walk over to the menu then, and you take my order." And he's like "sorry I can't do that" and I'm like "so in order to physically get food here, by ordering and then paying you with money, I have to first own a car?" And he's like "yes" and so I'm like "fuck that" and then I walk back home and take the damned car up there and order and after I ordered I was this goddamned close to parking the car and walking up to the window to get my food. I mean what the hell could they do? Not give it to me? I could just drive my car over the menu and order like thirty-five burritos and then not pay for them cause they wouldn't accept my money. Those goddamned buttertits I think I'll sue them for discrimination based on income! WHO'S WITH ME
| Optimus Prime |
Optimus Prime
"Optimus is back in this 3D first-person shooter...er, we mean adventure. He'll travel to alien worlds, seek out hidden areas with his Prime Vision, and use his transformation ability to squeeze into the 18-wheeler-shaped holes that frequent the dark caverns of the Decepticon homeworld."
Reason for rejection? A mix of blatant copyright infringement and the apparent lack of Megatron.
Jon
| Echoes |
Your picture is way too high-quality for this column, but perhaps your Transformer humor is lost on me because aside from knowing that Optimus Prime is some big cool guy and Megatron is also some big guy, all I know is that some guy I used to work with went to a Transformers convention once.
I kept waiting for him to transform into someone awesome but it wasn't happening so I quit my job and blew up his house.
| Sinners! |
Um bad ideas for a Nintendo game.
Nintendo does not make enough games based on movies. I suggest a game based on the hit film "Sin City".
The definite casting is as follows.
Mario as the Yellow Bastard, Princess Peach as the grown up Nancy, King Koopa as Marv, Luigi as Kevin. (The cannibal)
All the major scenes of the film will be kept, the language will remain as well as the violence and blood flow. As the game progresses you play as the "hero" of that particular story line.
Gamers at first might feel a tad confused after they finish cutting off Mario's (Yellow Bastard) genitals, but they will soon be desensitized by the game's copious amounts of violence and sex.
Steve
| Saints! |
Come on, is Princess Peach really as attractive as Jessica Alba?
Nevermind.
| GTA:MK |
Grand Theft Mario Kart!
Instead of that pansy-ass running into people to steal their items, you jump off your kart, beat the shit out of them, steal their kart, and leave them along the side of the road.
Also, item boxes have hookers in them. Whimsical Mushroom Kingdom hookers!
Okay, that's it, I'm done. Can I have my stylus now?
Matt
| Toadstool City |
This is a good idea but it is far too much like real-life for Nintendo to consider it. I find dead hookers in items boxes all the time. When will game makers start realizing that I'm tired of the same things over and over?
Nothing but hookers. Can't a guy even get magic mushrooms anymore?
| Chester |
DAIKER!
[I am of the distinct and resolute persuasion that the company which is called] Nintendo should make Halo.
- Chester A. Arthur
| Sifl and Olly |
CHESTER!
You're my number one baby for gravy!
| oh |
Mario and Luigi take on the gangsta rap world with their own untouchable flo's. It's never going to happen, but I wrote a rap to celebrate. Enjoy!
Luigi:
My brothers the hero/the kiddies adore him/ I ain't got no coins/ but I'm always scorin'/ cuz when it comes to pimpin their aint no match/ I tickle all the ladies with my porno mustache/ the rims on my kart look real clean/they bout to put it on all the magazines/someone call Bowser, I'm the new king/all the Goombas gettin' mad cuz I look good in green/
Mario (chorus)
So If a goomba coming, jump on it/ ju ju ju jump on it/ and save the world like you own it/ if your tired of all the phonies/ it's bout time you got to me/.
Luigi:
gonna make my name stick/show the world what I got/ the goombas calling me sidekick bout to get shot/ you been throwing shells/ you bout to get caught/ don't be surprised to say hello to my glock/ and Lakitu's about to be in some shock/cuz the moment occurs /when they have to eat their words/ they rest in peace/not to be disturbed/.
RESPECT MY GANGSTA!
There is a longer and dirtier version I decided not to send in. (Mario goes into the details of he and Peache's personal life)
I can send it in by request of course. If you don't put this in Heart Containers, I will tell everyone you are a hatin-ass goomba. This white boy has mad influence on the streets too.
The crown prince of thuganomics,
Tom
| my god |
| Michael |
Yo, Brandon,
I've read your articles often, but never bothered to write in. Maybe it was sympathy for your lack of emails, maybe it was the allure of a free Mario Kart stylus, maybe it was sheer boredom- but I'm, nevertheless, writing in to share with you a horrible idea that you're sure to love- or perhaps like slightly. Or maybe you'll hate it. You suck if you hate it. Anyway, here goes, the game Nintendo will never publish (aside from Stage Debut [haha.. ZING!]): Donkey Kong Porno Beat. Yeah, that's right, I said it. I know everybody reading this has made jokes about beating their drums. Well, make a game where you can beat your drums to some porno and you have the makings of... well, a very sticky controller. Well, that's the best I could do, aside from "Megafeetman," which Capcom would have to publish. It's been a pleasure contributing; have a nice day man.
-Keaton
P.S Great content. Let's hope HC lasts a while.
| Dukakis |
I won't even go to the trouble of mocking up a possible controller for Donkey Kong Porno Beat, but I can imagine it looking like a big pair of tits.
Donkey Kong Porno Beat is fun!
| Best Letter Ever |
IWATA: So, what have you two come up with?
JERRY: Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is people will control a digital version of me-
GEORGE: (Interrupting) May I?
JERRY: Go ahead.
GEORGE: I think I can sum up the game for you with one word: NOTHING.
IWATA: Nothing?
GEORGE: (Smiling) Nothing.
IWATA: (Unimpressed) What does that mean?
GEORGE: The game is about nothing.
JERRY: (To George) Well, it's not about nothing.
GEORGE: (To Jerry) No, it's about nothing.
JERRY: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.
(Jerry and George glare at each other. The receptionist enters)
RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Iwata, your niece is on the phone.
IWATA: I'll call back.
(Receptionist leaves)
GEORGE:(Attempting to spell his last name) E-E-W-H-A-A-T-A-A?
IWATA: (Obviously dislikes George) Not even close.
GEORGE: Is it with a "y"?
IWATA: No.
SUSAN: What's the premise?
JERRY: ..Well, as I was saying, the main character based on me is a comedian, living in New York, he has a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.
GEORGE: Yeah, but nothing happens in the game. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read.. You eat, you read, You go shopping.
IWATA: You read? You read in the game?
JERRY: Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading.
IWATA: All right, tell me, tell me about the gameplay. What kind of gameplay?
GEORGE: Oh, no. No gameplay.
IWATA: No gameplay? So, what is it?
GEORGE: (Showing an example) What'd you do today?
IWATA: I got up and came to work.
GEORGE: There's a level. That's a level.
IWATA: (Confused) How is that a level?
JERRY: Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work.
GEORGE: No, no, no. Nothing happens.
JERRY: Well, something happens.
IWATA: Well, why am I playing it?
GEORGE: Because it's a Nintendo game.
IWATA: (Threatening) Not yet.
GEORGE: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the game and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right?
(A moment passes)
JERRY: (To Iwata) How about this: I manage a circus...
--Copying, pasting, and minimal word changing by Walt. Larry David is responsible for the creation of this e-mail.
| Serenity Now! |
This is the greatest and best letter I have ever received.
| Paine? |
Dear Brandon, Have you ever played FFX2? If you have you should know Paine.She is hot as hell if you haven't you should. I've always wanted to see her topless. -Spiderman1OS
| Major Payne |
I want you to know I'm only posting this picture because I was too lazy to photoshop her into the Major Payne box art. But you can just pretend she's really Damon Wayans underneath that pretty exterior and perhaps your sordid fantasies will be destroyed forever.
| Broken |
Hi, Brandon. Your article seems to like pictures, so here's my entry. It's a logical step for the series, as fans are probably wondering what happens to all that food. A special Pepto-Bismol stylus is included--but only for Japanese gamers.
- GJM
| Hearted |
Dear GJM,
Your pictures were broken so I could not paste them. In exchange, please accept this demeaning motivational poster.
| Hi Heart Containers |
Hi Heart Containers
Here's a game that would never be made by Nintendo.
It's called the pokemon talk show game.
Basically, Pikachu (nearly forgotten how to spell that) is the lead character, and you have to get him ready by playing a minigame of choosing a suit and getting your make up done. For a bonus level you could get to argue with some fly on the wall programme director while getting ready.
From there, just keep on hitting 'A' so that Pika keeps on spitting out his catchphrases repeatedly, leaving a bemused 'celebrity guest' like maybe Bill Gates to sit around looking puzzled.
You'd win if you managed to reach a point where they actually gave you a sensible answer.
Ok, that idea sucks, but it was better than my first idea, which was Mario Cell- Chao Garden Theory. In that one, the portly plumber has to sneak around Sonic's castle, trying not to be detected until finally garotting him as final revenge for the Nintendo/Sega wars.
Well, actually, my first idea was to say 'Super Mario in an all new GBA platformer' but that was probably being a bit too cynical.
Of course, I don't actually have a DS myself, but if I happen to win the Mario Kart one I could always take it into GAME, and use it on their display model. Also, it will cost you big bucks postage all the way over here to the fine kingdom of England.
So I get the last laugh.
He who laughs last, is the last one to laugh.
Storm Gaxon
| Hi Storm Gaxon |
No, I get the last laugh, cause YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED AHAHAHAHAHAH
| Porntroid |
Well well well, I just read the last heart containers, and although I can't describe the mourn I feel for the precious time I wasted reading totally random, off-topic letters, I must say that the Mario Kart stylus thingy is a good motivation for me to do a few clicks and write you a letter.
I don't have a DS anyways but I could use it for many other fun activities, such as meatball stabbing. Don't ask.
Anyways, about your question... well seeing as how Mario will be on every sport imaginable in a few years, with Mario table tennis, Mario goat rider and Mario throw-a-rock-in-the-pond-to-see-it-bounce sports games, Its hard to find something that nintendo would say NO.
The mario-gta is an obvious though. I once read a ranting fanboy writing about how cool would be a mario game where he goes back to brooklin and bowser try to takes over the city. Sure I can see mario randomly stealing karts and running over koopa troopas and goombas. Or the princess ordering him to go to X place and kill everybody there because they belong to Daisy's kingdom and they're doing blackmarket with the shrooms. so you get there and firebal the crap out of everybody, including the random koopa troopa that was just passing by. Oh yeah so many possibilities.
What about a turn based Zelda game?. or maybe a pokemon where you are a badass mofo and you want to exterminate every pokemon off the face of the earth. No well that actually would be a blockbuster. Or a metroid game where samus falls in love with ridley uh? complete with sex scene.
Oh god I have such a sick mind.
~Michael Molina
| Zelda RPG |
That turn-based Zelda RPG thing is actually the most viable, legitimate idea I received in the whole column. I wonder why I haven't heard people speculating on that before cause it's actually a really damned good idea. I mean hell, it worked for Mario, didn't it? Everyone loved Mario RPG!
I mean who wouldn't play a Zelda styled turn-based RPG set in Hyrule or something like that? I would. Hear me, Nintendo? More derivative franchise games! NOW!
| Ganesh? |
You Sith-smoking eel fellating orange beard of a octopiddle.
Prizes? Seriously? You've sold out. I thought we had something, Brandon. I thought caring meant sharing, not bribing! But hey, look at that--decency and good-will just jumped off the roof. And who pushed him? That's right Brandon, YOU DID.
I hope you're happy with yourself.
Oh, and my ideal Smash Bros. character is Ganesh.
~Axord
| Frak |
goddammit axord smash brothers was MONTHS AGO JESUS
| Jessica Writes |
I'm only sending this ON-TOPIC letter because you shot my awesome game idea down the other month, telling me "Nintendo wouldn't make [it] in a million years. You: Brandon, bastard - crusher of all my greatest dreams.
I think Nintendo would profit handsomely if they designed a first person shooter with a variety of playable characters, SSB style. If they wanted to tone it down a bit, it could be a PAINTBALL game. Now come on, how awesome would Mario Paintball be? Think of the levels! The colors! The mayhem!
I would buy it. You know what, Brandon? You are wrong about this one. Nintendo WILL make Mario Paintball, mark my WORDS! Muahahahahaha!
by the way, i'm sending a package in the mail to you, it involves oleander caterpillars and several sticks of dynamite. it's a secret, shhhhh!
Hearts and containers,
Jessy
| Hey Thanks |
Your idea is good. We could all destroy each other in Goldeneye style FPS bouts. It really does make a lot of sense. Nobody's really targetted the "family friendly" FPS genre yet.
I hope you do not send me dynamite. That would blow. OH OH OH OH
| Pikmin Tres |
Regarding the game that could be pitched to Nintendo that they would never make...
PIKMIN 3: BLOODBATH
Having saved his company's fortune with the aid of dim-witted sidekick Louie and made a hefty profit thereafter with the company's president in Pikmin 2, Olimar returns alone to the mysterious planet of the Pimin for a much-deserved vacation. But Olimar's expectations of a warm welcome from the colorful little guys are wrong.
Dead wrong.
Angered by his befriending them, using them, and then abandoning them twice, the Pikmin swarm over Olimar's ship as he's landing and rip him from the cockpit, planning to feed him to an Emperor Bulblax. A lucky escape puts Olimar on the run, hiding stealthily from hordes of evil Pikmin, beginning a search for weapons to take out the fragile, but impossibly numerous creatures, and this time he has to do all the work himself.
| Sort Of |
Several Pikmin Dead after Vicious Attack in Garden
Several Pikmin were found dead this afternoon following an apparent onslaught of rage by their creator, Shigeru Miyamoto. Reportedly, Pikmin of not only the red and yellow varieties, but the blue as well, were harmed or destroyed.
One next-door neighbor spoke candidly to The Press.
"I've never seen him like this before. He was thrashing and flailing about with a bottle in one hand and a Garden Claw in the other. Those poor little Pikmin were flying everywhere. I heard their cute little screams!"
One group was reportedly felled as they attempted communally to carry a large token with the number ten on it back to a large onion-shaped object from which other Pikmin were emerging.
Captain Olimar was unable to be reached for questioning, but stated in a public conference that the incident was "distressing" and that he was unable to be certain that he would ever "repair [his] ship" and "get off of this un-inhabitable planet."
| Alan |
Dear Heart Container in the barn behind the ranch inside the secret passage blocked by crates on the left,
For this weeks topic, you asked for a game that would never get made if presented to "Nintendo people". To be fair, what I came up with after hours of research in my lab was a game that would and has been created by "Sony people" or "Microsoft people", but more likely than not will not be gracing my Gameboy Color anytime in your very short for reasons to be discussed later okay hunny? lifetime.
Here's what I wrote to NOA:
Dear Mario,
I had selected the preset "game ideas" for this letter, yet my option to write in was immediately taken away from me. However, this idea for a game is SO good, I cannot possibly let it rest within my brain any longer without donating it to my very favorite game developers. So, my apologies for letting this rest under "Other".
Anyway, on to my awesome idea.
Basically, this would be a game where you were this dude, and you had guns. Any dude really...just so long as he was "2legit2quit" (that's where the marketing comes in for the sequel), and was able to pick up fly hunnies if so required to. Now this dude's job is to basically kill stuff such like zombies and bears and cops and stuff, with the incentive not to get caught. I'd like to see lots of nudity too, but no wang. I mean, I guess you could give the dude a righteous wang, but we don't have to see it.
I haven't really thought of a story for the game, but I know you guys are good with, like, just making some drug inspired names up for towns, making your enemy an evil version of yourself (like in the last three Metroid games), and putting Mario in the game for no reason just for more sales...so just do that. The more cameos the better.
Oh, and the dude should be voiced by Emo Phillips too. Yeah, don't forget that.
That's pretty much it really...dude, gun, wang, zombies, evil something-or-the-other, and Emo Phillips. Just e-mail me when you finish it. Thanks.
-Alan
Look, all I'm saying is that it's been more than 24 hours now, and I don't see how every effort to get back to me has been taken.
-Alan
This letter came in while I was finishing up the column. Shame on your tardiness, Alan!
I think everything should be voiced by Emo Phillips. And in regards to the inclusion of the righteous wang... wouldn't our hero have a righteous bulge. Nobody needs to see a four-hundred polygon wang bulge.
--- Closing Comments --- Well guys, I gotta say. That was way too many goddamned letters. BUT I WANT MORE! DROWN ME!
The winner of the Mario Kart DS stylus was the Walt and Larry combo for their rousing Seinfeldian composition. They've got it, you don't, shut up. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.
The prize for next time is going to be this exclusive snowmanny Atlus screencleaner thing with this dude on it:
You're dying for E3 swag and just like last time, all you have to do is send a letter which is on-topic.
The topic for next week is Videogame Movies. What existing videogames should be made into movies? Who would direct them? Who would star in them? What would they be about? Don't limit yourselves to the Metroid/Zelda/Final Fantasy realm, either. Let's really try to get creative here! My money's on the Ice Climbers movie. It would be directed by Uwe Boll and would consist of Fiona Apple and Al Roker climbing a mountain and then falling off.
Tell me yours for crap's sake, it'll only take a minute!
Peace, love, and arson
Brandon
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |