[02.27] XVIII - No Cars Go
Every now and again it's as though I'm not actually an N-Sider staffer: I bathe regularly, I interact with society, and I even use my Playstation 2 from time to time. I listen to music not written by Michael Bolton, I refrain from drinking Zima, I keep my copy of My Little Pony: The Movie hidden away instead of on display, and the only "Nintendo Needs to Do This" manifesto I compose is to the Wal-Mart staffer in a statement sounding something like "Nintendo needs to send you a copy of fucking Resident Evil 4 already."
The last time I felt like an N-Sider staffer was over four months ago, when I asked you all to write in with letters about why you read N-Sider. I bet none of you who did do anymore, not because you're lazy but because there are still updates OR SHOULD I CALL THEM DOWNDATES from months ago on the front page. And I'll take full responsibility for that. I just haven't been able to absolutely devastate the right column with little 100 pixel hearts and for Christsake I apologize. Sometimes, like maybe a hundred-twenty times in every four months, I just can't bring myself to do anything which would make me feel worthy of the title "N-Sider staffer."
But sometimes I do feel like an N-Sider staffer. And I'll tell you why after I finish my Zima.
| Doppleganger Alan |
Do you know what it feels like to know some guy you've never met has the EXACT SAME NAME AS YOU and reads the EXACT SAME COLUMN? Do you? No, I didn't think so.
Your question of the week (month... season...) was 'Why do you read N-Sider?' Of course, initially, I kinda thought... 'He can't be serious right?' Because you know... that topic is lame, and should be in a front-page poll of some description.
But then I thought I might as well write in to clear up that not all Alans take pleasure in sending in pictures of their friends with their shirts off. It's true, seriously. Not once have I sent you a picture of one of my friends with his shirt off. I HAVE PROOF DAMMIT. You can't proove a thing.
Anyway, back to the piss-weak topic... *thinking music* Okay, I think I've formulated a response that will offend the least people possible. Maybe. Probably not. I'll be getting stoned biblical style before I know it.
I read N-Sider for two reasons. A) I know the guy who designed it, and if I DIDN'T read it he might murder me or something. You can never be too sure with James. *is wary* The second reason (conveniently labled 'B') is because of this column thingy you pretend to write weekly. I don't actually read much else, unless it looks kind of interesting from the little thumbnail icon thingies.
And yes. Cough. I can't think of anyway to effectively end this email. Mr T would be ashamed.
~Alan
| Throw Down Old-Testament |
Eh heh heh. Did you say you'd be "getting stoned biblical style?"
Thanks for reading, Alan.
| From Geoff |
Since this is my first time writing you Brandon, just because I'm almost as lazy and unwilling to write in as you are to write the column. But I understand your a busy guy, one that is much busier then a college kid in vermont. so with out further ado here is the on topic part of my e-mail. I read N-sider for the comedy and for the news. It's as simple as that. I love reading the columns for their comedy and some for there information. I love reading the news, just because it is one of the few sites that if I'm looking for an update about Nintendo that I can find it relatively easy (and I mean that in the laziest way possible) compared to sites that cover every form of video game material out there, even though I do read Gamespy more often for my other sources of news for my xbox and pc. N-sider though makes it easy for me, all I have to do is scroll down the page and find my news and read it. Thats why I love N-sider and why I come and read everything. I know I don't take an active role in the forums, because I just don't have the time or the will to scroll through the pages on the forum to see what everyone else thinks since most of them do not care what I think. I just take it upon myself not to heap "useless" talk on there for them to sift through to find what one of their friends thinks. Just keep up the good work Brandon and the rest of the staff at N-sider, you make my life just a little bit better everytime I get to read a column and it makes me laugh. So to finish off this wonderful first e-mail to you Brandon here is a picture of something useless to a lot of people but very important and useful to me, a cross-country shoe.
I have to run in Boston tomorrow so I felt the need to share. But that has nothing to do with the topic but who follows the topic anyway. Thanks for writing wonderful columns, and for reading this slightly useless e-mail.
Geoff
| Dear Geoff |
You said you had to run in Boston tomorrow but I suppose that means like four months ago. I wonder how you did.
Interesting comment on the forums, by the way. That's actually part of the reason I never used to participate in them either. But what's neat when you're a staff member is that you can type in all lower-case and really piss off the people who type properly.
I guess I should be setting an example but just look at this fucking trainwreck of a column I run! I could post a big fat cock right here and nobody'd even care!
Thanks for writing, Geoff.
| The Picture |
Why, if it isn't good old Heart Containers, featuring everyone's favorite mail answering guy, Brandon.
So you wanted to know why I go on N-Sider? Really and truly?
Well, that's really a 3-part question you're asking. First, when one divides the ratio of pi to the square root of -234.5, you get an anomaly of a magnitude of 0.154356. Secondly, yes, this tie is Italian. Thirdly, it's because of the mysterious DS secret that's circulating around. Surely, you, the wise and semi-knowing Brandon, must have some "N-Side" info? Eh? Eh? That's a joke, by the way.
What I dislike? Would it kill you to update more often? Like, say, bimonthly? Or even (dare I ask) trimonthly? That's three times a month, for you average layperson out there. And no, I don't have any humourous pictures, except the one I will duly attach.
Get back to work!
Jon
| It Blinds Me |
Christ, Jon, did you have to attach that picture? I've been watching the goddamned thing for the last four months and I blame it for the delayment of this column, the loss of my girlfriend, my health, and my college enrollment.
I mean just... I could write paragraphs about how disturbing it is.
I know it's from that really bad CD-i game but I just...
Gosh!
| Jesus Alan Here Finally |
After having dealt with personal emergency during the last Heart Containers column, I unfortunately had no time to prompt a real response to last weeks question. Fortunately, I was much relieved to see "tell me why you read N-Sider" as the preemptive to write in, as this was a subject I was very familiar with! But to understand why I go to N-Sider for my Nintendo fix, you must first come to realize why I go on the internet at all.
You see, it all started back when I was four years old. There really was no internet as we know it today, but rather, what they then referred to as "The Bulletin Board". Sure I was young, but don't think for a second I didn't realize there were no up-to-the-minute online strategy guides for Commander Keen. Obviously at the time, there was many a fan site yet to be created, and not taking into consideration the massive amounts of Moon Patrol and Sims games played on a Mac IIe, I continued to wait patiently for my chance to flourish through the endless potential of the interweb.
Fast-forward to sometime around 1996. I was standing in the K-B Toys isle, my mom waiting outside the store on a nearby bench. After much analysis and re-evaluation, I bravely made the impossible decision of purchasing a brand new N64 over the fabled and on sale Virtual Boy. Giving up the potential good times of "Red Alarm", I instead took a chance on some game called "Super Mario 64". From there, I never looked back.
I believe it was "Nintendose.com" that first sidetracked me past the strategies for beating Bowser in favor of the many Luigi conspiracy sites of the time. Because of these featured pictures with accompanying theories (that were obviously true because they were on the internet), I was soon finding myself "indoors" more so than usual. Making it a point to unknowingly destroy my childhood one world at a time, I constantly was searching for this secret green man unwaverly. Losing grip on reality, I soon learned Mario's 3D game better than I had ever know even the back of my hand, and just maybe, even the front of my hand! Whether it was green shadows in waterfalls or smokey arrows in volcanoes, I sufficiently succeeded in solidifying my status as "Most likely never to get laid...no, seriously."
But as all good men do, I eventually moved on.
...Until someone found Mew under a truck! OMG did you know if like you captured a Magikarp and surf over S.S. Anne and use strength on a truck you'll find a pokeball and then you'll use your super rod and you'll find a pikachu and you trade it 60 times and it turns into Diamonix!
I mean, I never really figured it out completely or anything...but...I swear, this Angelfire page told me the EXACT directions!
Well, I guess it would be accurate to state that from there, I fell into a massive obsession with pornography and never really used the internet for anything other than hot lesbians that wanted my long, hard (whoopsie-daisy) right then and there. Yet as the launch of the Gamecube presented itself, it quickly occurred to me that no human could possibly ever beat the hardest mode of "Wave Race: Blue Storm".
And with that, my passion for hot video game tips and Nintendo websites was reborn! To this day, I go to ALL the Nintendo news sites daily to catch up with even the most trivial of news stories. For instance, I go to [website deleted] for the most in-depth reviews, [website deleted] for all the hot rumors, and even [he probably meant N-Sider] for the best news coverage on the net! Then about once a month, I'll go to N-Sider and see if my name showed up anywhere.
I hope I get lucky this time!
PS: In case you're actually wondering, you guys have a great, great site. Some of the best articles I've ever read regarding the gaming industry have come straight from this site (no lie), and I've known N-Sider to at one time own the best gaming news updater in the form of the news ticker...thing. And Brandon, don't fret over people not going to your heart container thing. It's by far and away the best Nintendo letter column I've ever had the pleasure of reading, and all my friends readily come to read it as soon as its updated.
This including Dan, who is upset you thought he didn't exist. To make up for this, he wanted me to show you his stunning "Mario Kart skillz".
-Alan
| grumble grumble |
Alan has been instant messaging me every single day for the last four months with death threats and african frog porn. Alan really wanted me to make the new column, presumably because he wants to impress babes on the Internet. However, I am currently training to be a cage fighter, and as such, have been unable to comply with his request until now. My training has reached its peak and I am now the master of the sweep kick.
Alan, I am surprised you could afford a Nintendo 64 when they came out. I wanted one really bad but my dad said I couldn't get one. I didn't have the money anyway, but even though I said I'd save up for like eleven months so I could buy it, he still said I couldn't buy one even in the bizarre circumstance that I actually acquired 249.99 plus cash for the game, which could never have reasonably happened. As an exchange, I just took the little ticket from Toys R Us, the one you're supposed to bring to the desk and pay for and then they give you the box, you know? I just took the ticket and pretended that it meant I had an N64 coming. I never did get a Nintendo 64, Alan. But I did play all the good games from mooching off of friends and stuff.
Also, I did that Mew trick too but it didn't work. I won a contest at that very Toys R Us I couldn't buy the N64 at and they put Mew on my game. I thought that was pretty neat.
Oh and Dan all you did in that picture was win one race. In my approximation, that is shit weak. Toad is capable of more, I say! But Koopa Troopa will always be the best.
God dammit Alan look how much I typed for you!
| Frog Porn |
I been reading you article and thought to my self its about damn time I wrote into it. Yep Thats about it. BRING ON THE FROG PORN!!!
zach
| By Request |
Zach is my stepbrother. Fortunately we're not related by blood so the retard gene hasn't spread to me.
AHAHAHA I kid. The retard gene courses in my bloodstream full-force.
Here you go, Zach. I got this straight from Alan's death threat messages. You've earned it.
| Perch |
I don't own anything made by Nintendo and i don't plan on ever owning a product of their design. I read N-Sider for the wit, charm and idiums that define Brandon Daiker. I no longer live with you, and I miss talking to you often, and I miss perching on the back of your chair. I miss the molding bowls of easy mac that you always l;eft for months at a time. But mostly I miss your viewpoint, advice and...and... your wit.
Live long and prosper, while doing the watusee with an armadillo!
Steve
| Cod |
Dear Steve,
Though we no longer live in the same dormitory, I will forever recall the lowest point in my life wherein I was so desolately lonely, depressed, and lazy that I actually paid you five entire dollars to wash my gladware bowls full of rotten, months-old Easy Mac just so that the fucking smell would go away.
Dear College,
Thank you for teaching me the true meaning of slovenliness.
--- Closing Comments --- Thank you everyone for reading.
Now that my column is over for this time, I want you to ponder this: if you could make a Smash Brothers character for the next installment of the series, and you could put in whatever character you wanted, who would you put in and why? Would you insert Martha Stewart with pinecone tossing action? Leon S. Kennedy for his hip leather coat? Or perhaps the venerable Jesse Jackson just so he could berate you as you clubbed his ass into submission? Think about it and tell me for next time.
Oh and as a late response to that dork up there who thought bi-monthly meant two times a month, you are wrong because it means once every two months.
Truly yours is a butt that won't quit.
Brandon
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |