[09.28] XVI - Sparkplug Minuet
Last time I said that the topic for this time was something like write in about if you used to like one kind of game but have been gravitating more towards a different kind lately. It was complex and dishonest of me to pull such a fast one on you, what with a three month hiatus and then a sudden update asking for actual intelligible input. For this I am sorry. On the bright side, only two people wrote in, making my job really easy. On the not-so-bright side, getting only two letters makes me feel like I am unwanted and largely un-noticed. Read the column now and prepare to show me some love for next week, won't you?
ps i ate your children
| YOU'RE LIVING IN THE PAST! |
Hi, um, I know the hot videogame ladies was last column...but I was painfully unaware of it, and have nothing much to say on your current topic of discussion, so I thought that I might just send you a hot videogame chicka this time, and maybe you'ld let the world know. About her hotness.
Her name is Lexie (I guess), and she's from some game...I shan't be bothered to read all those words and letters, and despite being a commonly average stereotypical anime girl, I find her to be superly duperly hot.
I even managed to find the guy's website who created her (strange as it may seem), where I found ANOTHER picture of her. Don't know if you can post it or not...what with copyright laws and all that, but I'll let you have it anyway.
(To artist: if you object, let me know -- ed.)In closing, man, she's so hot.
-Mr. Bloober
| Come On Come On |
WELL, mister Bloober, way to TOTALLY MISS THE BOAT. Yup. It's set sail for the forgotten archives of the past and you're crying cause uh your
dog...
is still on the boat and he's never coming back.
Videogame girls are sometimes the faceless and inexplicably hot ones. Like that girl from Advance Wars. Or there's this girl named Juclesia from some Korean RPG or something called Magna Carta. Big popular game girls need attention but so do the lesser known ones! But I talked about all that last week.
Thank you for your letter, and for your troubles and information, here is a picture of Juclesia with a hamster super-imposed on top of her.
| Alan Thicke... |
My oh my Brandon, words cannot explain how immensely happy I was when I found out that not only have you revived your weekly Hearts Containers column in a mere three months, but you took the road less taken by including my "video game crushes" letter while at the same time assuming I was joking all throughout!
Now this is what I love about you Big B... you didnt just sit back, mail in a performance and rest on the seventh day, letting the icing go ahead and glaze itself. No sire! If this response is any indication to all you fan(s) out there, THIS column editor (of funk) went ahead and dedicated the topic of this week to yours truly, which, by the way, you may have noticed to be "The feigning interests in video game genres being redirected towards games of a different color." What a guy!
And so, as anyone who has ever peeked in my window to watch me masturbate in between rounds of Smash Brothers can tell you, the length of time I need varies greatly depending on if I'm playing, lets say, an RPG or a racing game.
For example, there was a time when I was absolutely obsessed with fighting games. All my allowance would be saved up for arcade tokens and whatever button masher was being released that week was soon to be mine. From Clay Fighters to Tekken, Mortal Kombat to Street Fighter, I had it all. And did I care that my memorization of the extensive combos found within these games interfered with my "ability to interact socially with the human race"? Why on Earth would I!? As long as the blood code was on and the block button still worked, I was ready to "get over here"!
But then someone somewhere released this.
And it was all over.
From there, I struggled to find my gaming personality. Fumbling through such things as so-called puzzle game obsessions and hour long RTS romps, there just seemed to be nothing out there for a tired gamer in a mid-gaming-life crises such as myself. But luckily for me, someone introduced me to a little game I like to call "Seaman".
...heh...seaman...I at one point honestly believed that God Himself had created the perfect game and was gracefully projecting it onto my television set; me sitting there euphorically and asking my cute little Seaman such things as:
"Hello, how are you doing today?"
"Are you enjoying the recent weather my good friend?"
"A/S/L??/??//?121!!1?1?"
Oh, what a great time my Seaman and I had endured! My humming little Dreamcast pumping those joyous pixels into my retinas as I sipped Kool-Aid and enjoyed myself a good time...boy, I adored that game. In fact, I adored it so much that I eventually was turned onto some other great microphone console games, such as...um...er...Hey you...pikachu...
And so it went without surprise that my adventure through the Microphone-Fish genre had unfortunately come to an abrupt end. And trust me, I took it hard. Weeping and pinching my fat until I fell asleep in a puddle of my own tears, I continued to cope without any alternative entertainment throughout those drudgeries and bouts of extreme mental mutilation. I had no where to go, and no one to turn to.
But then one day, a friend of mine pointed me in the direction of this little guy...
That's right!
The ref from Punch-Out!
Oh man, I couldn't believe I missed this game! I ran out right away and bought myself a copy (downloaded it off the net) and was hooked immediately! I would be dodging to-and-fro inside that square ring, zipping by those huge red gloves until, "WOOSH!" Right in the howdoyoudo! Ah man, what a game...
From there I picked myself up and got right back into the gaming scene full force, starting off by purchasing a Gamecube, as well as a GBA SP. And trust me; I'm not missing the new releases anymore! As for what I'm playing right now, I'm really into "Puss N Boots: Pero's Great Adventure".
Man, how far we've come, eh?
-Alan
PS: Sorry for making this so long.
PSS: Sorry for making another "you have two fans" joke.
PSSS: ...heh..."seaman"...
| ...Thicke Letter! HA! HAHAH! ...sigh. |
Dear Alan,
Thank you for writing in on your dedicated topic. If you hadn't, I would have had no letters pertaining to it whatsoever. That's right, you had the only response.
I used to be way into fighting games. I would MKII just so I could start two-player games by myself and then practice all the fatalities. It was sad and upsetting. But only because I laughed as I destroyed people and then told my parents there was a good episode of Family Matters on TV.
Your actual letter was humorous. Me personally, I've been gravitating towards
old Intellivision games lately, but that's just because my copy of
Pussy n' Boots seems to be getting a little odd lately.
Seaman was awesome.
and we had sexual relations
--- Closing Comments --- Now is the time of this column where I encourage wildfire.
If you visit our forums you'll have no doubt noticed the crazy DS thread that Dean hijacked with all these cryptic clues about some secret thing/non-thing. If you haven't, here's a link.
Go there and read around. It gets good on page three or so, I think.Anyway, there are some cryptic pictures and sneaky clues and a bunch of speculation. Some of you might have posts and I know the story is doing the rounds on the net. I've seen it on engadget anyway.
So for next week, write in about it. Tell me about your craziest ideas, your wildest speculation, and your most educated guesses.
The column needs some more personality, yes?
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |