[09.17] XV - Everything is Everything
Hey guys, how are things?
I feel like the old departed father returning to meet his world-weary son after years of being presumed dead. Maybe I could be chummy chummy and hit you on the shoulder. Hey there, sport. Maybe we should catch a game, throw down some brew.
...but in all actuality, it's good to be back. "But Brandon, where have you gone? You've never really left our hearts!" I can hear you saying that and it's comforting, it really is. Thank you. Where have I gone and what have I been doing, really? Nowhere and nothing, really, if by nowhere you mean from Odebolt to Ames to a bus driving thirty-eight hours straight through Chicago and Indianapolis and Louisville and Nashville and Atlanta, Tampa, Fort Meyers, and Naples, to a house in that town where I stayed for a week, then to a car in the same town and from there to Fort Meyers, Tampa, Atlanta, Nashville, southern Illinois, Missouri, back to Des Moines and then home to Ames in my unfurnished apartment that would later be furnished by the "nothing" of this equation, travelling several hundred miles with big trucks full of all of my shit to unpack at said apartment just in time for me to realize I needed a phone and food and did you realize how important a shower curtain is if you want to take a shower? and books for classes which started in late August, just timely enough for me to realize I'd been neglecting N-Sider for what's the count of Containers today? three months? And today is my glorious Friday, scheduled lovingly to contain no classes.
It sounds like more work than it was, but damn! August sucked.
I'm sure none of you remember, but the topic for this week before all that Figs hullabaloo and my moving and travel escapades was The Sexiest and Least Attractive Characters in Videogaming.
CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
| No Panties? |
Hey Brandon,
I was playing some Fire Emblem last night... No, that story isn't going anywhere, it just needed to be said. And more than that it seems like I already addressed this topic before, but that's to be expected due to my awesomeness. But just to reinstate, Rydia from Final Fantasy IV is sexy.
wow!
Other than that it seems like I prefer not what a woman looks like, but what she does. Actions speak louder than... looks..? I have no example to show what I mean better than this.
Your panty-less friend,
Isaac Morgan
| No Problem! |
Isaac,
I'm glad to see that you brought the FFIV love. It gets too often forgotten in this modern day age of scantily clad FFX babes and The Guy Games.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER WE HAD TO SQUINT AT THIRTY TWO BY THIRTY TWO SPRITES IN THE HOPES OF SOME BOOBIE AND NOW YOU KIDS JUST GET IT SO EASILY
And that panties picture is disturbing on a level occupied only by the picture itself and the mental image of two hundred dollars worth of pudding.
See how the pudding revolution begins? One cup at a time.
| Voldo Wins |
Hey Brandon: Go Upstairs and put on some lotion!
Now that thats out of the way, sexiest gaming character, Samus. The fact that you don't really get to see much of what she really looks like and that sense of mystery behind her is sexy as hell. Plus the fact that she is completley independant and can kick ass makes her that much hotter.
Least sexy, Voldo what in the world are you doing? Honestly where did you find your outfits? No self respecting guy, or girl for that matter would wear what you wear. Do that freaky shit on your own time.
Colin
| My Soul Lives On or Something |
We all know Samus is a pretty keen gal.
But am I alone in saying I think the delightfully adorable Voldo is absolutely irresistable?
Ok, maybe I am.
| The Sky is Burning |
Hey brandon
Judging by your opening and closing comments regarding FFVIII I sense you have the same affinity for that game as I do. FFVIII is my second fav FF out of the entire series. There is just so much to the game that there isn't enough space here to put it all in. So anyway, my favorite game babes are Rinoa and Quisits. Sorry, but there cannot be only one this time, I love them both and I truly admire there character's equally. Well actually I loved all the characters in FFVIII but anyway.
As for my most repulsive, I would say anything in the GTA series. The whole getto thing just doesn't sit well with me for some reason nor will it ever
Skyfire
| Quick Inverse Rain GO |
Oh yes. I'm such a big fan of Quistis that I bought her in figure form and then bought all her friends too so I have all of the FFVIII people in plastic just standing around waiting to do my bidding!
But mainly I just use the Link and Zelda figures inappropriately.
Don't ask me. It was a lonely night.
| Too Sexy, No! |
Dear Brandon,
First of all, I'd like to get me a pair of those Pance. They're so hot right now. Secondly, I have to thank the lady who wrote in to the last installment: there's nothing I like writing about more than my attraction to video game characters. Seriously, I'm not being facetious. So thank you.
What was my first encounter with a totally hot character? That would have to be Link. I think there was an awesome picture / drawing of him on the cover of a special edition of Nintendo Power one time when OoT first came out. That same feeling of getting "the vapours" (said in Southern belle accent) happened recently when I saw that awesome shot of Link in the trailer for the upcoming Legend of Zelda -- ladies, you know which one I'm talking about.
(picture included below for convenience -- ed.)
Other than Link, I'd have to say that there are a few characters in Soul Calibur II that are pretty sizzlin'. Not Maxi, though. Such gross hair and such an unattractive name. Maxi. Maxi... Teehee.
I could go on for a looong time, but I'll stop now in the interest of not hogging the whole installment of Heart Containers.
-Beth
| But I Must! |
Beth,
Thank you for your coherent and well-punctuated letter. It is good to have letters which not only reference old issues of Nintendo Power so I can get all nostalgic, but also mention one of my favoritist fighting games evar, Soul Calibur II.
Though some of the male characters in that game are relatively good looking, I believe the fans of the male characters got the shaft. I mean, the females are disproportionately hot when compared to the beautiful good looks of Lizardman, Voldo, and Astaroth.Sometimes I miss the good old days when I could just use a line like "I will burn your house down" to wrap up a letter. Hm.
| FACE RIP |
Dear Brand0n,
I would just like to start off by saying that I downloaded and started using Mozilla Thunderbird and Firefox just for you! (And by just for you, I mean that I just so happened to download them sometime between your last edition of Heart Containers and the eternity that elapsed before the June 17 update) And now I'm using a Mozilla mail client to give you this lovely message! Yay!
As for the sexiest gaming character that I've encountered so far, I believe I'd have to go with Lucia from Lunar: Eternal Blue (PSX Remake, that is...she just wasn't so sexy on Sega CD). Just to present my case, here are a few thousand words for you to consider:
Ahh... so peaceful.
Oh yeah, and I nominate Captain Blue from Viewtiful Joe as the least sexiest gaming character. That beer belly is such a turn-off.
Well, that pretty much wraps up the Definitive-Never-To-Be-Challenged-EVAR List of Gaming's Sexiest Characters.
-Chespy, also currently in love with Farah from Prince of Persia
P.S. I am perfectly fine with you ripping my face off as long as I get to keep one of the LED stylus pens. Just send me two, rip my face off, and then we'll both keep one. Fair enough? I thought so.
| I WILL |
Good man, Chespy. I think everyone in the world should start using Mozilla Firefox and Thunderbird. Truly they are the son of God.
And yeah, Lunar was a pretty sexy game. I always had it most bad for Jessica though. I tell you what, I did some crazy things for those bromide pictures. Like using the GameShark to hack them into my inventory OOOHH CHEETAR
As far as those stylus pens go, I still haven't heard anything about them. I bet that cake-eater Dean has hoarded them all for himself. Haven't you, you big CAKE EATER?
Hi my name is Dean and yes, yes I am a cake-eater who hoards DS pens.
| Canadain? |
Dear Brandon:
So the topic is sexy video game chicks eh? (Canadain I am) Well how's Lulu from Final Fantasy X (rated XX thanks to all the fan fiction out there)? She is a magic user... and she shows her breasts...
Ok I'm out of reasons, but Rikku is everyone's favorite dumb blonde. Like Spears, and Jessica Simpson.
God this is a hard topic, it isn't about Reggie. DAMN WHY THE F**K ISN'T THIS ABOUT REGGIE?!
Your dearest friend (not),
Canadain Moron
| Americain |
You're such a moron, Canadain Moron.
I mean, sure Lulu is hot and could smother you in her cleavage as seen just below:
But are you all forgetting the intense sexual appeal of Voldo again?
And what about Reggie?
There's just not enough reprazenting goin' on. REPRAZENT
| Polygon Funbags |
Oh Brandon, Brandon, Brandon...you've played your cards well all these weeks, but I'm afraid this wild card will only land you in embarrassment/prison. Yes, I do happen to have a list of sexy gaming characters at hand. In fact, every one of these characters has held a reserved spot somewhere within the depths of my school locker or house den. And thanks to you, Brandon, you will now unearth these secret crushes to the million (three) people who visit your wildly popular column every week (month). So without further ado...
I've had my eye on this one ever since I made a home in the wonderful world of crossing animals. Everyday when I get up, I head straight to my sunburst-hit window and peek outside. The warm glass reflecting this beautiful creature to my googling eyes, teasing me with images of her watering her plants just across the dirt path from me. That beautiful smile, wonderful clothes, plastered on face...you name it, it just tugs at my heart and refuses to let go without a challenge. Oh, if only I had the bravery and courage to go up to her one day and say with the sincerest of intentions, "Oh dearest pink girl thing, will you please go o-....did I just say "ado"?
Now THIS hot babe has spent ages in the depths of my wildest dreams, just standing there waiting for me to make my move on her luscious body. Not only am I anticipating a virtual reality sequel to this classic adventure, but I DID just go out of my way to steal your Custer's Revenge joke.
Holy F*ck, whoa!!!1 Crap, MOVING ON
Going deep into the "classic" bin at my local EB, I was able to dig out this highly contagious fighter which features the sexiest depiction of women ever seen on this crazy 'ol mixed up universe of ours! Here we see the ever-so-scrumptious "Tammy the Bunny Girl" facing off with everyone's favorite "Kelli the Nurse". Even Brandon couldn't resist the temptation of a cat fight with THESE participants!
As far as the least sexiest gaming character I have ever encountered, I would have to say it would probably be won by one of these two polygon bags.
Sit on my lap InDEED.
-Alan
| Sweater Meat? |
Dear Alan,
Your letters make me look bad because you pile on a magic substance I like to refer to as "teh funnie." This column only works when not-funny people write in and then I can be only marginally funny and it's still more funny than them so it tips in my favor. But I mean look. You included the pictures so I didn't need to hunt them down and badly use Paint and Photoshop to make them stupid. You wrote quaint and quality bumps for each one and even spelled probably everything correctly.
You even included titles of the pictures in the letter so I would know where they went!
This, Alan, is monumental. In appreciation of your good letter-writing skills, the topic for next time is dedicated to you!
Also you get this special alert box.
--- Closing Comments --- That was a fun time for everyone, right?
OMG CRICKETS LOLOLOMGVGNF
For next week we have a special topic dedicated to Alan. It has nothing to do with him since I was going to use it anyway, but you know.
Personally I've noticed that over the years, I've become less interested in my once-favorite RPG and Adventure game genres and have gravitated more towards old-style action, shooting, and fighting games. Have any of you noticed drifting away from the games you used to like in favor of something else lately? What are your games of the moment? This is a long and complex topic isn't it? But write in anyway or I will throw acid on you.
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |