[06.17] XIV - The Brink of Time
I know this weekly column comes over a month after the last one, but you expected it. Admit it to me. Admit it. Anyway this time I have some really good excuses. Check 'em out, no really.
REASON THE FIRST
I've been working ten hours a day at this place, offering my labor in exchange for monetary compensation in the form of cash money american dolla.
Here is a picture of how deceptively... strange, really, it looks on the outside. Inside it's a steamy gross grease-pit factory, I promise.
Ahem.
REASON THE SECOND
The second reason is this stupid wench:
Oh man, just looking at her makes me
makes me
makes me
makes me OH GOD GET HER AWAY
Anyway, she made me lose triple triad cards to her about 234908723948 times before I won the Selphie card in Final Fantasy VIII. That was a totally lame series of pictures. Here's the totally lame series of letter responses!
| Sometimes You Wanna Go |
Dear Brandon,
Before I start I have to say I feel guilty about writing in, since most of the people who send in their opinions seem to be hardcore gamers and I'm not. Mostly I love the stories and artwork of video games and I have just enough hand eye coordination and guts to enjoy Game Boy games. But still, I think your column is the funniest thing I've ever read and I want to be a part of the magic! *eyes glitter*
So, about E3... well, I enjoyed hearing my brother Jason's stories about his bus ride down to LA and the crusty folks he met on the trip. I also liked watching the E3 DVD that Dean sent us. He seems like a bit of an ass, but the video was alright. I loved the incredibly intense rock music as people were just standing in line doing nothing. Classic.
Did I nearly have a massive heart attack when I saw my childhood hero Link kicking ass and taking names? Yes. Yes I did. Do I want to be just like Reggie when I grow up? Yes indeed. Did I secretly play our copy of Four Swords before anyone else got a chance to? Yes, I got a good swift kick in the shins for that one. I'm looking forward to seeing all the awesome games Nintendo's working on and I'm looking forward to seeing the next installment of Heart Containers.
Cheers.
-Beth
| Where Everybody Knows Your Name |
Dear Beth, Person Who Should Not Feel Ashamed For Not Being a "Hardcore" Gamer,
I must say that I'm honored you find anything I do to be the most X something at all ever. If I were to, say, observe a flaming dump on fire and say "that is the most awesome thing ever," you could assume that the flaming dump would be feeling as incredibly awesome as I am at the very moment for being told that I, the creator of Heart Containers, am responsible for the "funniest thing [you've] ever read." This is totally exciting and I have indeed lost control of my bowels as a direct result. Even the unpleasant nature of a lack of bowel control is nothing compared to the absolute joy coursing through my joy tunnels.
Many people found Link and Reggie to be the most exciting things at E3 this year, but I personally found this guy the most entertaining:
| Dear God What is All This Gibber |
Hey Brand0n,
I heard that your crew (even if it wasn’t you) got lots of cool E3 swag like, let’s say, LOTS AND LOTS OF BLUE LED DS STYLUS PENS!!! You are gonna, you know, share, aren't you? Pretty please? Pretty pretty please? I waaaaaaaant one!
-Chespy, a kindred spirit who was left at home
| Oh Chespy |
Dear Chespy,
When I got your e-mail, it consisted of pieces of text between lots of HTML garble. I think that has to do with the fact that I use Mozilla and I imported your letter from a prior client I was using. The generator tag in your e-mail says Microsoft Word 10, so that means you probably used MS Word to compose your e-mail? I didn't even know you could do that. To Chespy and all others, I suggest you send me e-mail using a real mail client, or if you don't have a real e-mail client, you can use Hotmail or Yahoo or GMail or whatever it is that trips your trigger. Really, as Internet denizens, it is your duty to be technologically aware and active at all times of the day.Also, Chespy, I don't have a DS stylus pen yet, and, with all due respect, I'd rip your face off to get one.
No hard feelings or anything. Just... I'd rip your face off is all.
| Obvious |
Brandon I never pee my pance. You people who do should really get that checked out or something. Well any way, when I saw the New Zelda, DS, Metroid Prime 2: Echoes Dark Samus (wooh that was along title) video, and Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat I drooled all over my key board. I surprised it still works after this E3, it got so wet. Well that was my reaction to E3.
John Althoff
| Possum |
John,
I'm absolutely amused at how you spelled "pants." I wondered for a moment what a "pance" was, so I looked it up and this:
...was all I could find, leading me to the only possible conclusion: thank you for writing, even if you never pee in your form-fitting spandex under-pants, Pance.
In regards to your damp keyboard, there are some things that ONLY work when wetness is involved OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
| Hey Mister Yeast Infection |
Well.......
I don't make it a habit to pee my or anyone else's pants, but I loved the new Zelda and will be first in line to get it upon launch. That had to be the best surprise for me as far as E3 is concerned. As for the biggest disappointment, I would say not making Metroid Prime 2 LAN compatible. I guess they didn't think it was worth it since it seems like we can't play with more than four people anyways. Oh well.
I don't have anything else to say other than asking you to post a picture of Erika Rochane in your reply. If not, then you are a gaybo haxor.
Sincerely,
Mr. Yeast Infection
| Tally Me Ba-na-na |
Dear Erika Rochane (pronounced Ro-shawn),
Even though I am posting the most attractive picture of you that I could find, I am sorry to say that I do not find you attractive. Your prominence in such a popular and well-wishing column is due simply to the wishes of my reader, Mister Yeast Infection. May his glory remind you of just what sort of crowd you are popular with.
As an aside, Miss Erika, I do find your clothing attractive, but only because the skirt reminds me of my grandmother OH BURN
| My Ex-Roomy's Tirade |
It is once again Steve, your old roommate and devoted disciple. I do have some things to say about E3 but first I want to talk about my favorite subject...you. As we all know (that is if you are all paying attention) Brandon was unable to attend E3 because of a lack of personal wealth. He is more broken up about that than even he will admit to his closest slaves, disciples, and underlings. It is all his fault however. I tried to give him like a hundred dollars interest free so that he could go, but nooo. He wouldn't accept it. Why did I offer him money?
1. He is my master and I live to make him happy.
2. I wanted him to fill me (and you) in on all the goings on at E3.
3. I will probably never get to see E3 with mine own unworthy eyes.
Let me invent this analogy to better explain. Jesus is back and he wants to party, however only the press can attend. Your friend is a member of the press but he can't go because he is short on dough. Wouldn't you do anything you could to make sure that your friend does not miss Jesus?? Maybe if you're lucky your friend could ask Jesus to send you to heaven when you die of a blender/cinnamon accident.
Moving right along, Brandon and Jess have been a long distance item for some time now. Is Brandon ready to go steady with her or should they get engaged? This is not a parallel universe where you are getting any younger Brandon. Their relationship is so full of drama, observe.
Will Brandon and Jess stay together even though he feels like a nut and she does not?
Will Brandon and Jess stay together even though he is from a parallel universe and she was raised by the mole-men?
Lastly Brandon is having a proverbial blast making boat trailers at Midwest somewhere in Iowa. If you have need for a new sleek boat trailer made by a certified madman give Brandon a call at BOA-TTOW. (If you losers translate that obviously fake number and call it, Brandon, N-Sider.com and I will not be held responsible in any court of law)
Now on to the E3 content of the letter. The PSP owns the honky Nintendo portable with two screens. I forget what it is called because I don't care. The lady at the Natsume booth (I saw her on G4-Tech TV) who handed out T-Shirts to people who beat her at RPS could slaughter Reggie any time! I can't believe the world is ready for Splinter Cell 3 so soon after the last one. I just hope they didn't RUSH it through production and a shitty game results. Resident Evil 4 and Geist are still making me want to buy a Gamecube. I am really miffed that I was not invited to the E3 party that was held at the Playboy mansion. Even the goofy reporter for G4 was smothered by two hot chicks at the bar. They were licking his face and groping each other even (even was said in snagglepuss style)!!
My major disappointment about E3 was that no release dates were given for Doom 3, Kingdom Hearts 2, or Half-Life 2.
I was surprised to see that Halo 2 was not playable yet (personally I don't think the first one was playable on the X Box (give me a mouse and a keyboard or give me death)).
Well I am done speaking. That means it is time for Brandon's witty rebuttal!
Steve "The Man" McBarnes
| God That's a Long Letter |
Dear Steve,
I am going to go through this letter mostly paragraph by paragraph. For easy digestion.
Though it is true that I was unable to attend E3 because of a lack of personal wealth, it is not because I live in poverty. Instead, it is because I am frequently unemployed and spend all of my available funds on expensive videogame, computer, and multimedia stereophonic equipment. Also Chinese food.
Your Jesus analogy failed to rock my face off, but proposing that I ask Jesus to send me to heaven when I die in a blender/cinnamon accident is just plain hilarious. The last time I was in a blender/cinnamon accident, I only came MARGINALLY close to death, and I don't think Jesus deals with kids who mix cinnamon and blenders for recreation. Or procreation, not that I had anything in mind.
Moving right along, please note that we are no longer living in the year 1955 and the phrase "going steady" is particularly out of style. I will say, however, that if it were 1955, and Jessica and I were still hanging around with each other, you'd still be absolutely batshit insane.
She always feels like a nut.
In my parallel universe, she was raised not by mole-men, but mole-PEOPLE, and so it is okay with me. You must beware the mole-men and their odorous ear-feces.
In regards to the boat trailers, I only took my clothing off in front of thirteen people. Maybe this is the wrong reply to be typing that.
In regards to all the silly relevant stuff about you watching stupid G4 and talking about Halo and Half-Life and all of that, I can honestly say that I hate G4 television for two solid reasons. One, they merged with my beloved TechTV and cancelled all my favorite shows, and two, every time I see it, all it is is a few monkeys sitting around while I watch them play Unreal Tournament. In fact I have this screen grab from the last time I watched it:
I really hope that kid's not reading.
| WHAT |
"Next week, write to me about your biggest surprises or disappointments with E3."
There you go again Brandon, go about asking for donations and bumming opinions from people like me who have no credible ones to speak of. But since you went through all of that trouble to host that last picture I sent you, I guess I'll go ahead and toss you an e-mail.
Biggest suprise: So did you see that new Madden game? I mean, that was like Left Field Lane right there.
Biggest dissapointment: Another year, another no show for Shaq-fu 2. What's it gonna take man!?
An honerable mention for biggest suprise would have to go to Jesus Christ's second coming as Regie. I mean, I didn't know Jesus was such a name taker!
Alan
| THE HELL |
Dear Alan,
I feel your pain about Shaq-Fu 2. I also would like to know What's it gonna take man!?
I am rubbing my chin and saying "hmm." Hmm! I think... I... have... just... the
OK so like we just give this to the game-making people right and then we'll get Shaq-Fu 2. I know it because my dad or something works at Nihtedo and he's like big with the Sega man or something like that. I ate a car once.
| Yawn |
It's Reggie-lution time! I say Reggie should run for President under the Nintendo ticket. When he is elected he will withdraw all the troops from Iraq and instead send in an army of Pikachus to electrocute the enemy. Then, he'll recall al the troops in Afghanistan and send in Samus Aran to track down Osama and his group of jihad-Metroids deep in their underground lair. Finally, he will ride into North Korea on the back of a giant Yoshi and turn their nuclear arsenal into a giant egg...then drop it on them. His only flaw: he would let Wario fix the economy. Other than that, Reggie R0X0RZ!!!1!!1 He was the best thing goin' on at E3, w3rd.
blithering_madman
| Lateness |
If I wasn't so tired and I hadn't been doing this for a couple hours and I didn't have to go to bed in like thirty minutes, you'd have a glorious picture made in Paint right here of a massive battlefield with Reggie and Pikachu and Iraq and lightning, Samus, Osama, Metroids. Korea, Yoshi, eggs, nukes, and Wario. But I am tired so you get this irrelevant picture since I'm not funny enough with words and have to rely on pictures to make you laugh:
Well I thought it was funny.
| Colin! |
So anyway me just like the rest of the world was shocked and awed when I saw the video for the new Zelda. It was like getting blindsided by a bus except for the fact that this bus that hit me was awesome and instead of putting me in traction put me in a state of bliss. Don't get me wrong I loved the Wind Waker and its graphics but this is gonna be awesome.
"Hey Wind Waker graphics haters, what did the five fingers say to the face? Slap bitch." I can just here Nintendo saying it now....
Star Fox and Metroid Prime: Echos look amazing. They are gonna be insanley fun, I have been waiting for a sweet multiplayer game and these will definetley suffice as well as quench my thirst for awesome single player games. I am so glad Star Fox is going back to its roots cause its roots are amazing, no more mediocre Rare Star Foxes for us. I am also really intrigued by the Advanced Wars game. It looks like it could be very cool. I am very disappointed that Nintendo still won't embrace online gaming. The last three games mentioned would be superb games to play online. I really want to get my online Gamecube freak on but Nintendo won't even put its foot in the water.
Overall E3 was pretty awesome, although third party support was a little disappointing the first party games make up for it. Not to mention the DS looks amazing, I was skeptical at first about it but it totally made a believer out of me... damn there goes more money. If Nintendo embraces online play it will soon rule the world. So Nintendo do it.
Colin
| Mockery! |
I am excited about all of those things except that damned Chapelle's Show quote. Everyone knows that the World Series of Dice was pharmore humorous than the Rick James sketch.
Have I emphasized that I'm tired yet?
Though I don't seem it, Colin, I'm really glad you wrote in. I will take your pants off for you if you want.
| Last One |
The topic is what things at E3 made you pee your pants. So here goes.
Dearest Brandon of My Heart Containers -
I must say, I did pee my pants when my famous boyfriend who works at some gaming e-zine text messaged me with the best news of my life. There is to be a new Zelda. With an adult Link.
This doesn't sound like much, but let's sit back and review the facts. Fact numero uno, and I have undisputable proof to back myself up: I am a girl.
Second, I like games.
Fact three, most big games out there are filled to the brim with large-chested girls that boy gamers (like Brandon) have been masturbating to since age 12. Sadly, there are less of the sexy male-type folks for us girls to masturbate to.
So what does Zelda offer to young, eager girls like me? Link.
If anyone has been paying attention to the artwork in the game manuals, Link has grown increasingly more attractive with each new game (with the exception of windwaker - he'd be totally hot if you were six, though). So of course I peed my panties when I saw the screenshots of the new Zelda game. Link is adult. Link is sexy. It's about time he hit puberty for good. I can't wait to play the game. I wonder what my boyfriend would look like in green tights..
Who else thinks Link and Zelda should do it? I mean, really. Let's have some hentai, Miyamoto.
<3 and green tights, Jessy
| And How |
Thank you for suggesting my appearance in green tights. Though I am not permanently traumatized, I will be in a state of decreased manliness for days.
Also yes. To most of the other points in your letter.
GUESS WHAT YOU'RE THE TOPIC GIVER
--- Closing Comments --- In conclusion, next week's topic is the obligatory one that you've all seen in every other mailbag BUT NEVER AT HEART CONTAINERS! For next time I want you to write in with your personal sexiest gaming characters and least sexy gaming characters. Pictures are encouraged for flavor, as are your first encounters with them and why they are attractive or repulsive to you.
And no, I certainly DO NOT have a thing for Quistis.
Nope.
Nope.
None at all.
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |