[05.06] XII - Letting Off the Happiness
I sit here typing this at 12:21 which is really at night and not at noon like you might think. I am done with school now and super grateful that it is over. I can move on from writing fourteen page stories on three hours of sleep and hammering out several page rhetorical essays about nothing and instead go back home and write Heart Containers columns on time and work a poopy job to make money so I can buy one of those sexy new PowerBook G4s. I think I will post a picture of one of those sexy PowerBook G4s now.
I mean look at that skirt.
God, I'm such a bad boyfriend.
Oh yeah this week we're talking about quirky stuff in videogames. I mean, if you want.
| Holy God This Letter is Long |
Hi Brandy or Scotch, or whatever you like to be called,
How are you i'm doing just fine, i hope you read this because i'm taking a lot of time to write it, although not enough time to capitalize letter and such, that's why i don't have any periods because if i put a period i'd have to capitalize a letter and that would be a pain, not like the final fantasy x-2 pain, but the bad one that hurts when you fall on your bum, i think that pain is kinda hot although rikku is hotter, and rydia owns them all let me tell you, pixels turn me on.
But that's OK, because the only thing that turns me on more that Rydia from Final Fantasy II/IV is Earthbound. I enjoy nothing more than smacking New Age Retro Hippies around with a baseball bat. And really, that's why I love videogames, they let you do all the things you wish you could do it real life, but can't because it's illegal and not nice. One time I was SMAAAAAAASHing this New Age Retro Hippie and he dropped a hamburger and I was all, "What, no soyburger?"
In fact, that reminds me, I was in Evansville, Indiana for Spring Break (it's like Florida, but there's no beach, and there are more farms, and the closest city, Princeton, is pretty old. Oh and at 10:00 Fox shows old reruns of Andy Griffith! There's an Andy Griffith group that meets every once in awhile and talks about the show) and I was flipping through the six channels of free TV we get there and I saw it: SpamJam. Do you know what SpamJam is? Probably not, so let me explain. SpamJam is what God does when he's feeling pissed off. This is the 21st century, he's beyond locusts and disease, God is hip with the times and is resorting to biological warfare. SpamJam, as the name implies, is basically a restaurant that serves meals made entirely out of Spam. That's right, they take perfectly good normal meals and replace the beef, pork, fish, and whatnot with Spam, it's horrible. Of course, I've never been there, so I could be wrong (yeah right, I saw on TV, the place was surrounded with New Age Retro Hippies just waiting to be SMAAAAAAASHed) so don't take my word on it, try and find a SpamJam near you. Oh, and if you don't like Spam, they also serve beef and pork hot-dogs. No joke.
Although, seeing as how I don't like Spam, I turned the TV off and decided to play some Fire Emblem goodness. No really, I was actually going to play Fire Emblem, I swear! It's just that when I turned my Gameboy Advance on the title-screen for Golden Sun: The Lost Age was there, and I couldn't resist. I had a fun time, but I really wanted to play Fire Emblem, so I saved and turned it off. Needless to say, when I turned my Gameboy Advance on again there was the title screen for Final Fantasy Tactics Advance! I could have sworn that I put Fire Emblem into by GBA, but there was FFTA proving me wrong. Rather than ruin the moment, I spent a few hours beating my 120-something-ith mission. But I really wanted to play Fire Emblem, it's such a fun game! I really wanted to have more Fire Emblem, even though at the same time I was subconsciously dreading the game because I knew that there was no room for error. Still, I did it, I saved and turned off Final Fantasy Tactics Advance and I picked up Fire Emblem and I put it in my GBA, and tuned the power on, and lo and behold, I looked down and discovered that I was holding the TV remote control! I don't know how it happened, but rather than waste a good opportunity I turned on the TV just in time for a Just Shoot Me rerun. Don't get me wrong, the whole time I wanted to play Fire Emblem, but how often to you get to hear great lines like, "She fell on her fanny, and I saw a little panty!" Classic.
And that's where I am today. Right here on my fanny, mere hours after playing Final Fantasy V (translated ROM, I hope Square doesn't mind seeing as how it's their own fault for not bringing over the SNES version in the first place!). Yes, I have made it my goal to beat all of the old NES and SNES RPGs that I missed. You know what that means? That means that from here until 2006 I will have no life outside of my computer. Here's a list of games I have to either start playing, or finish playing. (Because I know that everybody cares about my life this much)
-Final Fantasy I
-Final Fantasy II translation
-Final Fantasy III translation
-Final Fantasy V translation
-Earthbound
-Secret of Mana
-Terranigma
-Chrono Trigger (again and again)
-Tales of Phantasiaand I'll probably look into the older Dragon Warrior/Quest games if I feel like it
I've played most of the other big RPG's, but I'm always glad *forced smile* to add more to my list. Don't worry though, I'm at the end of FFI and V. And of course, I'll always have room for some Magical Drop II goodness. That's another one of my quirky videogame moments:
QUIRKY VIDEOGAME MOMENT:
I like watching The World's boobs shake as she jumps up and down after winning a match in Magical Drop 2!!
She could eat my soyburger any time she wants... if that makes any sense all. Heck, who am I kidding, this is the internet, you know what I mean. I might as well mention that Rebecca Chambers is pretty hot too, as is Cammy, and both girls from Chrono Trigger.
So is Ayumi Hamasaki. Hot, I mean. I'm listening to July 1st right now, it's a nice song. Oh yeah, and she's cute. Sure, she had surgery, but as long as her nose doesn't fall off I'm ok. She should get a videogame, like Michael Jackson had. Only it would be more like a slideshow and less like a videogame. And she could wear a ribbon instead of clothes and jump up and down in a provocative manner! I would so buy that!
Although I'd also buy a Final Fantasy I-IX compilation, but Square-Enix doesn't listen to me either. That cool though, because I'll own them one day. If you remember one thing, remember my name, because it will help you remember the new World National Anthem you'll have to be reciting every morning in a few years. Good luck with the website, and try to update more often.
No, really, I did get around to playing Fire Emblem,
Isaac Morgan
(Bluekirby)
| Oh My |
There's no way I can type as many words as you did up there so I am going to summarize/reply to your letter using only pictures. Here we go.
Irrefutable evidence for the fact that my columns are always late: I prepare horrible pictures for you.
Thanks for the letter. I hope we're just about square.
| URGGGGGHHH |
My favourite moment(s) in video game history come from Goldeneye. You can't help but smile when Natalya dies and makes those stupid grunting noises.
And its especially funny to throw proximity mines out of the door at the end of bunker 2 and watch her die as she runs out behind James and attempts to run through the flames like him (c'mon, you've all done this).
The best of all is in the very last level, when you have the fast motion cheat on, and just before you kill Baron Samedi for the third time, you switch the control setup to use two controllers, with the fire button on the second controller. Then in the ending clip he runs up and starts laughing super fast, then you can hit fire and he dies. Classic.
~Darren (DazFromTaz.tk)
| Stab! |
Oh man I used to do such mean things to Natalya. In the jail level I would fill her body with throwing knives and watch as I could get one sticking straight out of her head. It was good stuff. But I never killed her just to hear her moan. Over and over.
Also it was neat to do that bomb thing at the end, yes. She'd turf it hardcore.
Look how useful my commentary is. This is why I've started posting more pictures for you all lately. Like this one!
Oh the life I lead.
| Ali |
Back when the snes just came out, I had a gaming/birthday party with some friends (we were in grade 3) and I had rented 3 games for the NES and 1 for my friend's new SNES... What I didn't know, because I was in grade 3 and Nintendo games were Nintendo games, was that all of the rentals were Konami games :P So, I had played one already, and knew a REALLY secret code for it... This is probably the most SECRET code EVER DESIGNED!!!
UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START
And whaddya know, the code worked with every game I rented that day! We attributed it to the Nintendo consoles themselves, and got frustrated and tried for an hour and a half when it wouldn't work for Super Mario World and Kirby's Adventure... then we ate cake and forgot all about it...
| BABABABAB |
This letter made me smile. See, I didn't really get into Konami games until Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 for NES, and the code for that was B A B A UP DOWN B A LEFT RIGHT B A START. That would give you the ten guys plus a stage select. BUT HERE IS THE KICKER. I always liked playing with two players. So you know what I did? I thought maybe I could put in a select. So I did B A B A UP DOWN B A LEFT RIGHT B A SELECT START. And you know what? It worked and I thought I was a genius. I must have beat that game forty times with that lovely code.
Oh and curses for people getting SNESes for birthdays. I never got that much money for my birthday! I did get a Gameboy one year though. That was hot. Except the only game they gave my ten-year old self was Yoshi's freaking Cookie. Gah.
ROBBLE ROBBLE
| Halo? |
My quikiest game moment is probaly when my friends and I play Halo. All we do sometimes is through plasma gernades and make them stick to people. then watch them run around like chikens with there heads cut off. it is halarious. Of course we get board of that. So we through plasma gernades on the dead peoples corpses and watch them bounce around. that is always fun too.
mater chief wan-a-be
| HAHAH |
Disregarding the fact that I have played Halo for a little while and had more fun driving the hover vehicles off of people and rocks and launching them into the air then I had negotiating that huge controller, I'd like to point out to everyone that this guy signed his letter
"mater chief wan-a-be."
That stuff is the comedic genius I can't even dream of concocting. I can see it now...
"Sir, we have a bevy of attractive women and absolutely nobody to pleasure them."
"You're right, Johnson. Get our secret weapon."
"Boss! No! He's not field-safe!"
"Yes. Call... the Mater Chief."
| Oh Glen |
The best moment in a video game was at the beginning of the Facility level in Goldeneye 007. You start out crawling through an overhead air vent, and come upon a young strapping man using the toilet below. With his bulging muscles, and chiseled face, you can't help but try to angle yourself to a position that would allow you to see the Private's privates.
You all know you tried it!
Sincerely,
James Bond
| Buzz |
Two words.
Nintendo knows what's going on. And they want to help.
| Let's Get Busted |
Alright, so get this...
This one time when I was playing "Super Sonic Battle 2: Adventure something-or-the-other" on my Gamecube, my Cube started making this odd clicking noise, and shortly thereafter, this messege came up:
An error has occored.
Turn the power OFF and check the Nintendo GameCube Instruction Booklet for further instructions.
<>Boy, you should have seen my face after experiencing that quirky game momment! I was in such a piddle that I...wait for it...piddled all over my Gamecube! Hoo, what a night that was!Also, apparently "urinating over your Nintendo Gamecube system" voids your warenty. So...in case you were wondering.
Alan
| Not Like That, You |
Oh... oh yeah? I uh... does it? Void? Really?
*zips up pants*
| Soopa! |
Brandon:
My favorite "quirky" videogame moment would have to be in Super Mario 64. Go to WetDry World, jump in the cannon on the little island thing in the far left corner, aim for the sun and fire. It may take some practice (and slight cannon adjustment), but if done right, Mario will fly up, hit an invisible ceiling, fall back down, hit the ground hard enough to make him loose health and then slide back into the cannon. If you do it multiple times you will eventually kill Mario but he will still fall into the cannon. You can shoot Dead Mario over and over. If you shoot him into the water, he will instantly drown and if you shoot him onto land he will instantly pass out. Pretty funny stuff...Zombie Mario.
Either that or my quirkiest gaming moment had to be watching my friend incinerate a Gingerbread Man in Timesplitters 2 with a flamethrower-wielding duck. That was freakin' hilarious (you'd have to be there). It brings a smile to my face even now....
blithering_madman
(The Nintendo/Microsoft conspiracy-theory dude)
| Madio |
That reminds me of Shrek for some reason. The whole gingerbread man on fire thing. The Mario stuff is rockin' though. I used to screw around a lot in that game. Cheating on the penguin race and whatnot.
Something about launching Mario's dead, lifeless body out of a cannon several times that just doesn't sit right with me, though. I made an adjustment and I think it's alright now.
Yeah that's better.
| Oh Yeah |
Greetings, Mister Brandon.
A pretty craaaazy column last time. And the time before that. And the time before THAT. OK, so most of them were crazy.
Anyway, quirkiest game moment. Hmm. It would have to be when playing Super Smash Bros. Melee with a few of my buds. Some choice pause-screen images there... I wish I'd saved them. It was the day of my 18th birthday, you see, and after my birthday meal my friends and I returned to my abode for some SSBM insanity. A variety of screenshots included Pikachu impersonating Neo (doing that weird lean-back-and-dodge-bullets (or in this case, Super Scope shots) thing), Link slicing off Ganondorf's *cough* manhood *cough*, Ganondorf getting revenge for that by crushing Link's... you know, and so on. The bonus about this quirky moment was that it had a dual purpose - it was quirky and entertaining!
Anyway, keep up the good work.
Mister Anderson
(but my name is not Neo)
| Yeah |
Just when I thought we could have two letters in a row that didn't involve genetalia.
Yeah that pause funtion in SSB:M is effin' hilarious. I was playing that in Florida with Jessica last summer and I think we spent more time trying to get Yoshi's tongue up Peach's dress and pose Link and Zelda in provocative sex positions then we actually spent playing the game.
Again, evidence for Nintendo's secret sexual agenda.
OH EM GEE CONSPEARSACY
| N-Universe? |
I demand to know what's happening with N-Universe. Is it ever going to be launched...ever?
Mister Breheny
| Ha. |
Oh, Mister Breheny.
Seriously though, probably not ever. I'm pretty sure everyone that's working on it is dead. Like 76% sure. Maybe 78%. If anyone working on it sees this and wants to inform Mister Breheny of Universe's state, tell me and I'll tell him.
What a boring reply with actual information in it.
| Yes, yes, and yes. |
Short and simple, E.T for Atari was a glitch all by itself.
P.S. To tell the truth, Dark Queen is bad ass. I had to insult the Dark Queen's sexyness because my stupid girlfriend was over. :(
-Matto
| Hey now! |
Hey now! Your stupid girlfriend touches you in ways the Dark Queen never will. Embrace her realness! Next time you're getting it on tell her how glad you are that she isn't sore at you for cheating on her with virtual girls from the early 90s. You'll be a happy couple for days. Weeks, even!
--- Closing Comments --- To be honest with you, that column took me like three hours. I wonder how it's even possible for me to spend three hours on anything lately. *cough*FINALSMUSTDIEHOLYFREAKINGCRAP*cough*
It's the end of the school year and while most of us are heading home to work crappy jobs and give up our school responsibilities in exchange for sex, drugs, and videogames, SOME OF US *cough n-sider staff with money (read: not me)* are going straight from school to that lovely gaming haven, E3. For next time I want you to write in about all the neat crap in regards to E3. What are you looking forward to, if during the show, what are you liking, and what sorts of coverage do you WANT to see from us?
Tell me all sorts of crap, my friends. I promise I'll do my best to update during E3 week and keep you all current with reader viewpoints as our news coverage provides the Hard Facts.
I remain
Yours Truly,
Brandon
XOXO <3
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |