[04.02] XI - Old People in the Cemetery
So I'm late like clockwork but YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. My alcoholic neighbor Larry was asking for a ride to the liquor store the other day and one thing I've learned is that you never buy Larry beer or else he'll bug you every day. I don't even have a neighbor named Larry.
In not-so-current eventish news, Martha Stewart's going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison, my university's BDSM club has been found guilty of assault by the university and is on forced probation until the end of the semester, and some trucker man won lots of money. It's a strange world out there.
But seriously guys, you're like blowing my goddam mind. I have eighteen letters in my inbox and that's about the point where I question whether or I not I really want to write a column for eighteen letters. Since I'm your humble servant I just don't think I could stand not printing them all, so I keep on doing it. Maybe if you guys keep going this nuts, I can do a bi-weekly column or something! Wouldn't that be nuts!
Anyway, here we go. Your clothes, give them to nuts. I mean me. I mean Arnold Schwarzenegger. I spelled that by myself. I hope it's right.
| Where in the World is Dan Owsen Sandiego? |
Hey, I just thought I'd let you know that in the tenth installment of heart containers, the 324th word is "grass" depending on whether contractions count as one word or two, and your use of the word "scrum-diddly-umptious"... I figure thats only one word, but it's just me. Also, I was wondering something... I was just reading that newly updated interview on.... [shameless plug] N-DATA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [/ass-kissing] and it occured to me...
Whatever the hell happened to Dan Owsen? Wasn't he like the cats pajamas back in the day??? Last I heard (from N-DATA) he worked on the nintendo.com web-site, but is he still doing that? And will he ever do anything with a real game any time soon? And is he still alive???
Anyhoo.... enjoy the rest of Heart Containers 11: Heart Containers X-2 Online (HC11: HCX2O), fellow readers...
Thanks Brandon.
-MewCubed
| Take it, Rockapella |
Man, last I knew Dan Owsen was still translating "Son of a Submariner!" jokes for Nintendo.com, but maybe he's doing some things on the side as well. We don't really see his name much anymore.
Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I fire up Super Metroid and I let his sweet digitized voice lull me into a gelatin state from which I then melt into the Earth and glow in Golden Radiance.
And god, I didn't think anyone would actually LOOK for that 324th word, but lo and behold you did. And so did this other guy who thinks you're wrong...
| (Something) |
Hello. I read the collumn every time, but it's my first time writing and hopefully won't be my last.
My favorite villains is Ridley from the Metroid series. Except metroid 2 he was in ALL the other games and that makes me very happy :D He's my favorite because he look really dangerous, he look like a Dragon. He got style. I think it one of the none end-boss that have make it trough most than 3 games. My favorite hero........ well it's Samus, sooooooo it already established that she can beat it, but in some case (cough) Metroid Prime (cough) Super mertroid (cough) it's a challenge. I dont like Coke nor Pepsi, Tomato and I think the 324th word is (something)
Gigabowser666 XD
| (Really? You Think?) |
Ridley is rather bitchin' I must say, it's weird though cause when I think of Ridley I think of the movie Alien and also of Ridley Scott. He does have style. So does Ridley Scott though. Just look at this picture of him that I paparazzi'd all up in his face at Mardi Gras this year:
Also I'll leave it to you two to fight it out about which word really is the 324th. I just don't care enough to count all those things.
| Did You Read Last Week? |
Hey Brandon hows it goin? Thanks for reading my letter last week there, I've never had anything posted on a website before so It was satisfying to see my idea up on N-sider. Anyway in regards to your closing comments I too considered the size issue and in all honesty I really don't see it being a problem for both portablity and home use. Just take a Wavebird and put a GBAsp next to it. Now imagine the screen between the analog control stick (proportionatly where the start button is) and the four face buttons. You will see the way I'm invisioning this thing is it will only end up being the width of a PS2 controller. As for the cartridge slot, again if you look at the wavebird where the frequency dial is, now look just below and you will notice that the width of that part of the controller is the same size as the GBA cartridge slot, coincidence i think not, lol. Ofcourse there might be some added bulk but I really don't think it would be much more, Look at how small the circuit boards are in the GBAsp already! I think it would only add maybe another 5% to the regular Wavebird. See for yourself just take the two devices and hold them together and play with invisioning them together as one. I strongly belive It really can work. The only problem I can think of as i stated before is the cost as Nintendo does not like to lose money on anything, nothing wrong with that but I belive it is software that sells hardware and not vice versa.
Ofcourse, there is always the option of just simply adding a GBAsp screen to the wavebird and call it a day. I think even doing that would help the whole connectivity thing. But I persoanlly would prefer to have a full GBAsp and Wavebird together. Just seems more worth it for the long run.
Also one more thing, have you heard that Sony is thinking of using their PSP(playstation Portable) for "Connectivty" features with the PS2? I have no beefs with them doing it however, If Sony does infact go with it and all of a sudden connectivity becomes "cool" or "popular" I will SCREAM. Thanks again for your time.
Sincerly
Rick R.
| Yeah That's Great |
I used to do this sort of stuff when I was a kid on the school ground with my friends. I'd be all like "when I work for Nintendo I'll make a super duper Nintendo that will shoot laser beams and make me food and take me out for a walk."
I don't know what that has to do with anything, but your idea's more feasible.
| OMG That's Your Sister |
BD,
Although technically they're not villans, I've always thought it would be sweet to see Samus and the Master Chief take on each other for the honor of the companies they represent.
...But now that I think about their abilities, I realize Samus would have a pretty big advantage with all that ball rollin' and unlimited ammo and stuff.
Of course the Chief could, you know, wack her with his gun, or somthing. Or, uh, ride one of those...dune..buggys...
Nevermind.
I have many favorite villians, but the coolest one of all would obviously be Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Hes a baller.
-Alex Davis
PS: Hey bro, you wouldnt happen to have a sister, huh? I met a chick on a beach trip who resembled you in your crazy Link pic last issue (without that big of a nose), and she gave me her number but some spanish person answers it when I call. Didn't do very well in spanish last symester. Anywho, if its her, tell her it wasn't me who stole her sandels and that I want my photos back.
| OMG No It's Not |
Samus vs. Master Chief, yeah. Samus has the edge there, if not just because she's bitchin' and all that, then because of the power bombs. I mean, it's a bomb, and power together.
Also I do have a sister but you don't know her. AND MY NOSE IS NOT THAT BIG
| Brendan Frasier? |
My favourite villain is Snidley K. Whiplash. The fiendish old western-style villain of Canada. Or Just Dudley Do-right. I highly doubt my favourite hero could beat him, as my favourite hero is Carrot Top, and as we all know, he can't really do anything. Shatner. Pepsi. Tomato. I mean, To-mah-to... actually, tomato. Tomato is good. (I hate tomatoes!) I'm also going to add: Macintosh is greater than Windows.
And that's the end of that chapter!
PsychoWiLL-
| Encino Man, You Fool |
Man every time I hear about Dudley Do-Right I think of Brenden Frasier in Encino Man, the greatest film ever made, next to Jungle 2 Jungle.
To answer the rest of your letter,
You're right. Shatner is God. Pepsi sucks my ass, don't be hatin'. Tomato is right. And if Macs were as ugly as PCs, we'd ALL be PC fans. Don't deny it.
| Regarding Wa-Luigi |
Quick and sweet, his name is derived from a japanese expression, ijiwarui. Warui, meaning bad, makes a loose translation with iji into Bad Boy. Now once the name becomes switched, it results in Waruiji, localized into Waluigi, a perfect counter name to Mario's bro.
J Sack
| Thanks, but... |
To restate my response's title, thanks, but...
Do you know what the hell you're doing? Bringing informative ... STUFF in here? I mean... look at them out there. Look at them. They can't take this. I can't take it. I mean. Sheesh man, I just. Phew! I got your... and I was all like... and I thought... it's I mean cause the and you and I with the things and the stuff man you know I thought a deal was what we had and then this and oh. OH.
| Wonder if They All End Like That |
At ease, soldier. Even though it doesn't have to be video game related, my favorite villian I love to hate is Red Falcon. I don't know if some of the younger readers of this site remember who he is, but I spent countless hours and nights attempting to rid the world of his continued terrorism back in the day. I thought that I was successful on many occasions, only to discover he somehow survived and revived himslef, only to torture me yet again. I miss the days when all that was important was going off to fight a war to save the planet, sometimes with a partner, and telling your friends at school about all the adventures along the way after the chopper ride home. I still have yet to enlist in the more recent war against Ol' Red in the "other" dimension, but I have to know if he is still out there somewhere, taunting me, teasing me, calling out to me to come get him again. Can't you hear him? He's saying "Hey, you toe jam lickin' ant whore, come and get a piece of this if your not too much of a sissified punk! Yeah! You think your spreads are gonna work this time? Huh, I got your spreads right here, pal. You'll be the one who spreads by the time I finish with you!" and he knows I can't cross over to the "other" dimension to kill him. I bet'cha it was part of his plan all along. I beat him enough times, he goes somewhere to recouperate, and I, knowing that some other planet is getting tormented, the man whose bloodlines possess the key to unlocking death for Red Falcon, am helpless for now. Young people, I beg of you, read your history! Know the evil that is the Red Falcon! Don't allow the past to repeat itself! Together, we must rid the universe of his kind! W3 l2 no7 teh d00m3d! W3 l2 no7 teh d00m3d!!!11!!1!!
In Christian Love,
Billy,
Oldtime War Hero
| I'd Say Yep |
I remember what it was like in those days. Soldiering technology had come a long way, but we still couldn't take more than a bullet. Sure we had it better than the guys before us, the whole three-time revival belt, the ability to materialize guns by just touching winged emblems, but that was no cakewalk. If you bit it, that was pretty much it. No soldier back in my day ever planned on a continue. Those -- those were new leases on life. I'll never forget the day they sent us out on our third op against those alien bastards... said we'd be doing some overhead 3D. Holding two guns and spinning in circles like a goddam ballerina. I kept one in my belt when I saw that Falcon. I took the other and stuffed it somewhere.
That rifle was massive, a good three feet.
Around.
| Giant Poo? |
Favorite villain? The Giant Poo from the higly underappreciated N64 title Conker's Bad Fur Day. Why? He's hilarious and he's a frickin giant poo. How can he not be your favorite villain. If you have a different one you should change it right now. Giant Poo vs. Anybody, come on its no contest, end of discussion.
General Harrison
| You've Gone Mental |
Well my favorite villain Mister Toilet really is more than a match for Giant Poo. He has new expanded plumbing and a 25 GpF rate. I don't care how giant the Giant Poo is, Mister Toilet could take him.
...
...Wait just a minute, I get signal. Mister Toilet wants a fight. Says he'll "set up you the bomb." What? Giant Poo accepts and has teleported here into my humble dorm room? I'll take pictures of the fight!
So hi there Giant Poo, how are you doing today? I'm doing great! Just sitting here on your illustrious orange couch being a giant poo!
So hi there Mister Toilet, how are you doing today? I'm doing great! Just sitting here on your illustrious orange couch being Mister Toilet!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH oh GOD OH GOD AHAHAHHA KKKDDKDKKDKKL BEOOOGGGGDDDkKKK GOOOOOOOSH GOOOOOOOOOSH AWAKAKAKAKAK SHHHHHHHHH BLAM HSDHFLSFSJK E!!!!! OAHHH AHHH OH NOooooooooO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ACK I ANNNNNNNNNNFF AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
So that's that, then.
| Yes |
Hi. This letter is to the whole of the N-Sider staff.
I think the best feature on N-Sider is the Nintendo Partnerships feature. It is awesome in-depth collaboration of rumors and announcements. I feel it is necessary to update this. PilotWings, Battle Squadron, Animal Wars, Golden Sun (recently reported on gamecubeheaven.tk) come to mind. It doesn't take much to update this and make it a more regular part of N-Sider, because it really shows your qualities.
Thanks for listening.
Wilhelm
University Student
| Ok |
For my first trick, I have by way of merely printing your letter, informed the entire N-Sider staff. Except those who are crappy, crappy bastards and will not read my column.
For my next trick, I will make the next letter appear out of thin air!
...
...
...
...
...
...
........
........
............
.................
Aw, screw it.
| Mmmm Dark Queen |
Talking about villains eh? Well this kid has alot of memories of villains, manily the ones from the late 80's early 90's. So what villain will I talk about?
The TMNT's main villain Shredder. He was my favorite villain of all time, no one could replace him in my heart. Every cartoon he and Krang would make up a new plan and be evil... that is until the TMNT came along. But he was my favorite in the video games. He mocked the Turtles on the TV in the first game saying he has kidnapped Splinter, he takes April for a ride after the first level in TMNT 2 and he lifts up Manhatten into the sky and takes April with him. Who is more bad ass then that?
Hmm? The Dark Queen from Battletoads? No, she just mocks the Toads so she can show of her cleavage, slut.
-Matt
| Chicken? |
Shredder? Sorry, I
Shredder? Sorry, I
Shredder? Sorry, I
ummmmmmmm. I... yesss. I... roofing? Is there even a quorum present?
| N-Universe? |
What's the deal with N-Universe? Wasn't it supposed to be up and running by now?
Jeff Breheny
| Ha. |
Oh, Jeff.
| It's a Lady |
I noticed that you laughed at one guy who wrote in about the rumor that Nintendo and Microsoft will work together and make one console to go up against the PS3. While I believe this rumor to be totally untrue, you also said that Nintendo has said nothing regarding backwards compatibility. In an interview with Satoru Iwata in Famitsu magazine, he said the following:
"[The N5] will be able to use the games already created in the previous generation. And it is something that will work. Side performances and graphics, one reached today a kind of limit in quality, which is already close to realism, and it will be difficult to still do better. The role of Nintendo is thus to study other ways in order to improve the experience of the player."
And by the way, I'm surprised you never heard the rumor about the XBox 2's lack of backwards compatability. I would think you'd pay a little more attention to the current rumors, no matter how untrue they may be. Anyway, I hope that in the future you do a little more research before ridiculing someone about something you obviously know little about. Good luck with future editions of Heart Containers.
--tktktk
| So |
In regards to the first part, the thing about the N5 having backwards compatibility, no I hadn't heard that and most of the reason is because I like to wait for official statements and not just still-a-year-away-possibility-announcement stuff. So you got me there.
But the XBox thing, I must admit, is quite foreign to me. What I know about the XBox amounts to about this:
If I buy one, I might be able to get a modchip in it and hack it around and then use it to play fun games through emulation.
So you see, I can't really claim innocence, more of just ignorance.
Also I was teased as a child and my parents could die any minute. I need to make other people feel inferior so that the people I'm not making feel inferior laugh. You take the good with the bad. The column, say, with my parents maybe dying any minute.
I do apologize to the writer of said letter though. If he is aware that Containers has not disappeared forever, I give him permission to write in another letter. But I do suggest he be frugal with these chances -- e-mail's not open to just anyone with a computer and internet access.
| Satoru Iwata |
Howdy Brandon,
I wrote in a while ago about Settlers V. Just wanted to say that there's no need to fret about not knowing the status of that game, as no one else does either ;)
This time, however, I thought I'd let you ponder two more easily digested questions: How much do you look forward to Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life? Also, do you think that Satoru Iwata--with regards to his recent statements in the press--should be shot or raised to the status of a saint?
Thanks for your time.
Best,
Daniel
| Is Hitting Me |
I must say that when I was younger, Nintendo Power magazine had me salivating at the opportunity to participate in my very own farming RPG of sorts called Harvest Moon.
I finally got ahold of it several years later and never really gave it the fighting chance it deserved to win my fancy. Maybe one day.
Don't get me wrong though. I'm excited for A Wonderful Life in the way that I hope lots of people buy it so Natsume keeps making quirky fantastic games that I won't play because I'm too busy telling other people to buy them so Natsume will keep making quirky fantastic games.
And as far as Iwata goes, he could be shot and THEN raised to the status of a saint. Two for one I guess. Not that I have a real position on that.
| Chomp This |
Hello, I am the same guy who wrote in about the Chain Chomp last...what?...week? Anyhow, he gets my vote again for the coolest villian in any game. I mean, you can't defeat him in any game he's in (save for the Mario RPGs, and Yoshi's Island I guess...but he more inflicts the cracked tooth on himself...), and he's so bizzarly simple yet spectacularly complex. Not to mention, he comes in all sizes, chained down or not, and he's even got a LARVAL stage (Which I suppose, now that I think about it, solves the question of whether he's an animal or not...)! And he get's red when angry, and gold when happy!
Also, he really represents how difficult it is to be in society, you know? The post obviously symbolizes society, and Chomp is the individual, trying to be free, trying to roam the lands with no burden on his back, but that no good chain is there, connecting him, holding him prisoner. He cannot be a free spirit, for he has no choice. His uncontainable rage is merely brought about by his intense desire to be free, but he can't so he easily snaps at anything that comes near, i.e. Mario. You saw how joyus he was in Super Mario 64 when you slammed that post. He even broke the bars revealing a new star for our intreped hero. What a guy.
Or perhaps The Great Chomp represents power and strenght, and how it must be controlled and contained, only to be let out when most needed. The wild beast that is the Chomp has no weakness or fears, just the uncontrolable urge to crush, kill, and destroy.
So my friends, what is it? A lone individual, held back by the unjust laws of society, or a great force of power that is not to be reckoned with. Either way, the Chain Chomp is a truly brilliant creation, worthy of, in my opinion, a selectable character slot in Super Smash Bros. Don't you think?
-File Cabinet Magoo
a.k.a. Mr. Bloober
| YES YES YES |
Chain Chomp is neat. I would advocate his inclusion in just about everything. I uh... you know what I do when I don't know what to respond to a letter? You may say "well Brandon, I bet you go outside and drink a nice cool iced tea for inspiration, then come inside and write the letter." And I would say
| Shucks |
The greatest villan of ALL TIME is Brandon. He sure does evil things, don't he?
Also, they ask "Pepsi or Coke?" nonstop in hell.
Alan
| Darn |
Oh, Alan, you sly boots.
| God |
Hey there B-Money,
This is Brandon's close personal friend Steve checking in for the second time. WOW! Last night Brandon and his fellow cohort Nick answered phones from 10pm till 10am for KURE's (Iowa State's college radio station) Kaledio Quiz competition. People called in and tried to answer extremely hard trivia questions and to be harassed by the most dedicated KURE djs ever. Brandon once even answered the phone with the phrase "I am the walrus". How clever is that? One of the bonus activities was to come down to the station and to perform a kick flip on the crappiest skate board ever. Brandon himself tried numerous times and each attempt was more hillarious than the last. Finally he fell to the ground in a horizontal fashion and played dead for several seconds. It is OK though, he is uninjured and he even told me today (Sat March 6th) that he will write the column tomorrow night!!!
So to the topic at hand. The villian that I loathed the most is Xan from Unreal Tournament. Not only did he always gun for the shield belt, invisability cloak, and damage amplifier he also taunted you with his inane quips. "I am the alpha and the omega" or "You die too easily". Needless to say that after awhile I started to talk smack to Zan as well. He was hard to beat at first, but after I stooped to his level of cheapness it was but a simple task.
The most difficult and cheapest enemy I have ever faced is Sephiroth in Kingdom Hearts. He casts an unblockable spell which drains all your MP and all but a sliver of your HP, and then he attacks you after a split second. If you are unable to heal yourself with a potion before he attacks you are DED dead. In order to beat him you have to make it through at least 4 of those attacks. Also he flits around so quickly he is very hard to make contact with at all. I am not too proud to admit that I was never able to vanquish him. I was getting sooo pissed I was afraid my PS2 controller was going to be either squeezed to death or swung into my television screen.
And the award for the most evil, disgusting and scary villian goes to Veronica in Resident Evil Code Veronica. The first time you encounter her she is in her human form throwing fire at you in an attempt to make you extra crispy, until you knock her out. Then the next time you meet her she has turned into a mountain (literally) of mutated insect acid spewing badness that also spawns little (20 pound) annoying chiggers. Then in her final stage she turns in a giant dragonfly thingy which dive bombs you to inflict various types of damage. To kill her for good you have to zoom in with a lazer cannon, lead your target (she doesn't stay in one place for long) and fire. It took me like 10 tries to beat her the first time. After that I could beat her after 2-3 tries.
Well there it is kids. If you are lucky I will show up again to lend you guys some insight into the exciting real life of your favorite N-Sider editor, Brandon Matthew Daiker.
Steve
| Damn |
Mr. and Mrs. Steve's Parents,
Your son Steven has joy problems. In reading several of his second grade essays I have noticed what could only be deemed "excessive" exclamation points and flattering vocabulary. Today (Mon March 7th) I will print your son's letter in my Heart Containers column and offer an insufficient reply to it, possibly upsetting him and disappointing him. What I will not do, however, is post the column late. I am always on time, and today (Fri Mar 24) the column will most certainly be up.
In order to remedy your son's crippling problems with happiness, I would advise that you cease to remove the crusts on his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, stop tucking him in before bed, and refuse him nightlight at all costs.
I sign this letter today, Friday, April 2, 1986.
Brandon Marcia Daiker
| Um |
My favorite villan is the Metroid Prime. The one with all the armor on. It looks really cool.The true metroid prime looks stupid. I think Link could take him/her/it though. Shoot some plasma arrows. But to get the plasma arrows you would have to beat a pete pihrana. Then you have to put on your stelth tunic so you can pick pocket the gaurd of the room where you get the plasma arrows. Then you know, you just kick Metroid primes butt. Buttonmasher31
| Ok |
One time I was in class and I was really thirsty but I couldn't drink cause I didn't have a mouth. But I used my spell of mouthability and then made a few quarters appear so I could throw them at my teacher and command he get me a drink. He didn't do it but it's okay cause I wasn't that thirsty anyway. Total Recall was an awesome movie. I liked the girl with three boobies.
| I Forget Already |
Hi brandon.
The greatest villain? That's easy!!!
GANONDORF
He is pure evil and has the nastiest grin. Only Link can beat him, who is by the way my favourite hero.
Daniel
The Netherlands
| Oh Now I Remember |
Wow I've never gotten a letter from The Netherlands before. I feel like I'm global dominating now or something. It's insane.
I've noticed most girls, if given the choice would undoubtedly sleep with Link.
There are several punchlines here, mainly ones having to do with tricking girls into believing the trickster is Link when it's really just some guy (or girl), some having to do with Link's various accessories (rod, hookshot, hammer), and only one having to do with battery. I'll let you end this one yourself.
| No Spoilers! |
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot there was a topic I was supposed to be writing about. My favorite villain is definitely Vicious from "Cowboy Bebop." You have to respect a guy who can fight future good-guys using only a Japanese sword. My favorite hero is Spike from "Cowboy Bebop."
Spoilers snipped for fairness -- Brandon.
Jeff Breheny
| Cause Who Needs 'em |
Yes, I thought that just as you wrote in your letter, it was a very great part of Cowboy Bebop when
Spoilers snipped for fairness -- Brandon.
And then after that we couldn't EVER really question his sexuality, could we?
--- Closing Comments --- Nineteen letters this time? Freaking insane. You people are rabid, I say. RABID!
I've been playing a decent amount of this Medal of Honor game I picked up for super cheap, and there's some pretty funny stuff you can do in there, like beat your allies for several minutes as they refuse to die. In that vein:
For next week, I want you to tell me about your most favorite quirky videogame moment. Is it the Super Mario Bros. Minus World glitch that everyone knows about and nobody can pull off? Did you love walking Mario to the tops of the vines and then holding up so he'd dance around on the top? Or did you just get a kick out of holding B during the Mega Man 2 villain intros so little birds would fly around in the background instead of stars?
I want to know and so does everyone else in the whole entire freaking world. So write in! I publish every letter. Seriously. Oh I guess I forgot one then.
Subject: Save on your life Insurance!! bird
Content-Type: text/html;
Term-Life Coverage At Reduced-Rates.
Why Spend More Than You Have To?
We survey the top life-insurance companies-nationwide and provide the best-rates available today!
Attention-All-Smokers:
You may qualify for special reduced smoker-rates!Ok, so I'm off to start smoking now. Write in or die vigorously.
| Got a letter? Send it to Brandon! |