My theoretical future daughter will eventually date some idiot, and I will still not be as disappointed as I am at the news that Star Fox 64 3D is not going to include online features of any sort. Are you kidding me? I mean really? No seriously is this some kind of goddamned joke.
The other day, an employee of one of Japan's most prevalent game and movie retailers, Tsutaya, posted some information regarding the game's lack of online play. I went ahead and contacted @ShibuyaTsutayaG myself, for some clarification. He followed up with me specifically to say: "According to the document delivered at the (retailers) conference, it says that Download Play is in, but no Internet, no StreetPass, and no SpotPass. Unless there's some kind of change made in the game's features, there is no Wi-Fi setting. In the multiplayer mode, only Download Play is available."
I have this principle, as a gamer and a writer, that in most cases I try not to discredit games for the things they don't have. I do not particularly mind that there are no online leaderboards in Pilotwings Resort, am physically incapable of giving any part of a shit about the lack of StreetPass features in the upcoming Ocarina of Time 3D, and am relatively indifferent that they didn't manage to get a Rumble Pak in the Classic Controller (but only relatively).
But Star Fox! Arguably the greatest parts of the original Star Fox 64 were to be had via the involvement of others. Coming at Macbeth the right way to get MISS ION ACC OMP LISHED and place you atop the high score leaderboard was sublime! And how about swooping in on your friend's pathetic Landmaster in versus mode, ripe for the crushing since he had the third party controller and could never stop your Arwing in time. Competition between your friends is always the best.
That's why it's just boo-hoo too shitting bad that most of us aren't adolescents anymore! Yep that's right development wizards, most of the people who have bought 3DS systems and are gonna nostalgia purchase a remake of a 13-year-old game are old enough to have two-hundred-and-ninety rotten dollars to waste, and it's a little hard to get four 3DS systems together in a country where under a million of the things will even be in hands by the time the game comes out.
The fact that Nintendo is actually already including a local multiplayer mode is even more a slap in the face. "Oh, we went ahead and rebuilt that mode that enables people to play together, but we won't let you grab those people from the Internet—you know, the thing that our goddamned 3DS helped you configure the first time you turned it on before we even let you load games.
Notes stolen from Nintendo's development log, which was apparently stolen by Miyamoto during production and fed to his rabid dog:
The game is so rich with potential that when it comes out and I see how wasted it was I will throw myself from goddamned mountains. Could I list some options that would have required just a shade over no effort to make possible in just a single paragraph?
How about actual robust multiplayer modes with experience tracking and more than two stages? Emblem support? Decals on your custom-painted vehicles sure why not. Exclusive SpotPass-distributed emblems for your in-game icons? Voice chat, you know, with the microphones built into every system? Co-op campaign? Ah, ah haha, ahahaha.
I guess it might all be asking just a little too much. After all, it's not like there have been any other arcade-y flight games with online multiplayer before, especially not Crimson Skies which was not released on the original Xbox eight years ago and which did not feature fully six different online multiplayer modes with an online ranking system oh wait yes it did. Maybe it's just that Star Fox gameplay isn't suited for online features, because gosh, not even Star Fox Command, which came out for the Nintendo DS in 2006, had an online multiplayer mode oh wait yes it did. Maybe there's no online in SF643D because it's a remake of an already existing game which didn't support online multiplayer originally, like the PSN and XBLA releases of Final Fight and X-Men and that Ninja Turtles arcade game and Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix and Perfect Dark which was originally an N64 game and oh wait they added online play to all of those.
No but really, I guess this is all forgivable because developers these days pretty much focus on adding online features only to the games that most need them, like Days of Thunder Arcade, 3D Ultra Minigolf Adventures 2, and Doritos Crash Course. This is because there are not enough IP addresses to go around, and you can't go adding online to just anything, or the Internet will stop. Also the premium prices of these titles, between five and ten dollars, demand a robust suite of connectivity features.
The fact that other third-party developers, in their launch window efforts, are putting Nintendo to shame on their own hardware is even more evident when we look at half-assed shit like this. The upcoming Dead or Alive: Dimensions includes costume distribution via SpotPass, StreetPass ghost data built from your own playstyle, online battles, and even an entire mode for figure collection sent out over Wi-Fi. In fact, the developers had this to say, regarding their upcoming title, to Siliconera:
It apparently was so "perfect" a "candidate" for network play, which puts "so little stress on the hardware" as to make nothing at all suffer, that Nintendo saw absolutely no reason to include online features whatsoever! "We'll just assume everyone will see this perfect system, and decide they don't need online play after all, cause they know it would be good anyway without even seeing it."
Ultimately, I guess I really shouldn't even be so surprised anymore. Everyone knows their kids will eventually date total idiots. That's as natural a thing as Nintendo once again pretending via corporate lipservice to embrace their theoretical online landscape but only truly grasping it accidentally, between their cluelessly twiddled thumbs. The difference is that children eventually come to their fucking senses.
The other day, an employee of one of Japan's most prevalent game and movie retailers, Tsutaya, posted some information regarding the game's lack of online play. I went ahead and contacted @ShibuyaTsutayaG myself, for some clarification. He followed up with me specifically to say: "According to the document delivered at the (retailers) conference, it says that Download Play is in, but no Internet, no StreetPass, and no SpotPass. Unless there's some kind of change made in the game's features, there is no Wi-Fi setting. In the multiplayer mode, only Download Play is available."
I have this principle, as a gamer and a writer, that in most cases I try not to discredit games for the things they don't have. I do not particularly mind that there are no online leaderboards in Pilotwings Resort, am physically incapable of giving any part of a shit about the lack of StreetPass features in the upcoming Ocarina of Time 3D, and am relatively indifferent that they didn't manage to get a Rumble Pak in the Classic Controller (but only relatively).
But Star Fox! Arguably the greatest parts of the original Star Fox 64 were to be had via the involvement of others. Coming at Macbeth the right way to get MISS ION ACC OMP LISHED and place you atop the high score leaderboard was sublime! And how about swooping in on your friend's pathetic Landmaster in versus mode, ripe for the crushing since he had the third party controller and could never stop your Arwing in time. Competition between your friends is always the best.
That's why it's just boo-hoo too shitting bad that most of us aren't adolescents anymore! Yep that's right development wizards, most of the people who have bought 3DS systems and are gonna nostalgia purchase a remake of a 13-year-old game are old enough to have two-hundred-and-ninety rotten dollars to waste, and it's a little hard to get four 3DS systems together in a country where under a million of the things will even be in hands by the time the game comes out.
The fact that Nintendo is actually already including a local multiplayer mode is even more a slap in the face. "Oh, we went ahead and rebuilt that mode that enables people to play together, but we won't let you grab those people from the Internet—you know, the thing that our goddamned 3DS helped you configure the first time you turned it on before we even let you load games.
Notes stolen from Nintendo's development log, which was apparently stolen by Miyamoto during production and fed to his rabid dog:
"How to add critical and commercial value to a $40 remake of a Nintendo 64 game"
- Add some kind of cooperative or competitive score attack mode, where players collectively battle consecutive waves of enemies in stages like Fortuna
- Incorporate Internet players into the already-existent versus mode, and allow them to drop into competitive matches against each other in a variety of vehicles
- Add the option for friends to view persistent score leaderboards, if not on a per-level basis then a per-full-run basis, through the use of already-present friend lists
- (Please note: these are just the laziest few options, with the bare minimum of work required to implement)
The game is so rich with potential that when it comes out and I see how wasted it was I will throw myself from goddamned mountains. Could I list some options that would have required just a shade over no effort to make possible in just a single paragraph?
How about actual robust multiplayer modes with experience tracking and more than two stages? Emblem support? Decals on your custom-painted vehicles sure why not. Exclusive SpotPass-distributed emblems for your in-game icons? Voice chat, you know, with the microphones built into every system? Co-op campaign? Ah, ah haha, ahahaha.
I guess it might all be asking just a little too much. After all, it's not like there have been any other arcade-y flight games with online multiplayer before, especially not Crimson Skies which was not released on the original Xbox eight years ago and which did not feature fully six different online multiplayer modes with an online ranking system oh wait yes it did. Maybe it's just that Star Fox gameplay isn't suited for online features, because gosh, not even Star Fox Command, which came out for the Nintendo DS in 2006, had an online multiplayer mode oh wait yes it did. Maybe there's no online in SF643D because it's a remake of an already existing game which didn't support online multiplayer originally, like the PSN and XBLA releases of Final Fight and X-Men and that Ninja Turtles arcade game and Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix and Perfect Dark which was originally an N64 game and oh wait they added online play to all of those.
No but really, I guess this is all forgivable because developers these days pretty much focus on adding online features only to the games that most need them, like Days of Thunder Arcade, 3D Ultra Minigolf Adventures 2, and Doritos Crash Course. This is because there are not enough IP addresses to go around, and you can't go adding online to just anything, or the Internet will stop. Also the premium prices of these titles, between five and ten dollars, demand a robust suite of connectivity features.
The fact that other third-party developers, in their launch window efforts, are putting Nintendo to shame on their own hardware is even more evident when we look at half-assed shit like this. The upcoming Dead or Alive: Dimensions includes costume distribution via SpotPass, StreetPass ghost data built from your own playstyle, online battles, and even an entire mode for figure collection sent out over Wi-Fi. In fact, the developers had this to say, regarding their upcoming title, to Siliconera:
"We were looking for hardware which could hold its weight by allowing us to make a smooth network play experience and give players a chance to enjoy going against each other online... 3DS was that perfect candidate since network play puts very little stress on the hardware, letting us implement everything that we wanted to have in the game without sacrificing any of the graphical and technical performance."
It apparently was so "perfect" a "candidate" for network play, which puts "so little stress on the hardware" as to make nothing at all suffer, that Nintendo saw absolutely no reason to include online features whatsoever! "We'll just assume everyone will see this perfect system, and decide they don't need online play after all, cause they know it would be good anyway without even seeing it."
Ultimately, I guess I really shouldn't even be so surprised anymore. Everyone knows their kids will eventually date total idiots. That's as natural a thing as Nintendo once again pretending via corporate lipservice to embrace their theoretical online landscape but only truly grasping it accidentally, between their cluelessly twiddled thumbs. The difference is that children eventually come to their fucking senses.