Different Strokes For Different Folks
Trent Bowles
Some people believe I am, at my heart, a video game geek. Still others believe I am a comedian. But my love...nay, my passion, is journalism. And I did some deep digging, and found out that, well by golly, American and Japanese culture is really different! Sure, a certain amount of diffusion has brought these cultures closer than they have ever been before, but there's things in Japanese culture that will just never be adopted here in the states. Sure, perhaps no one thought Pokemon or Tomagotchi would ever succeed in America, but there are others...that Americans will probably never understand. It turns out that Japan has a lot of video games that will NEVER make it out into a Western market. And it just tells you, sometimes cultures really do have different ideas of "fun."
The first such game I found was a game called "Totoshichi Jyamanko," by Capcom. There is no literal translation for this title, but it loosely translates into, "Don't feed the angry dwarf." This is a simulation game where you, the player, take resonsibility for taking care of a rabid dwarf, by the name of "Gododo." Your actions determine how this dwarf will behave. If you raise this little guy right, he may become the perfect companion, fetching your morning newspaper and tinkling in his litter box. If you mistreat little Gododo however, such as indulging in one too many games of "Dwarf Tossing," you may make your dwarf very angry...and you won't like Gododo when he's angry. He may go out of control, biting people's ankles and taking craps in various locations, which you will have to clean up after. If it gets bad enough, you may even have to put little Gododo to sleep, and buy a new dwarf. However, if he survives long enough for the holidays, you can dress him up in costumes and watch him dance around like little dwarves should. Can you say Santa's little helper? For you Jewish folks, which one of you hasn't played, "Spin the Dwarf" during Chaunakah celebrations? "Totoshichi Jyamanko" was never released to a Western audience however, because, as a representative for Capcom USA stated, "Such a representation of 'little people' would not be appreciated by many Americans... besides, dwarf tossing is so much more fun in real life!"
Kemco has an interesting take on the sports genre, but not a sport very popular in America. The game is called "Harikari Super Fun Sport!" This is based on a Japanese sport by the same name, in which contestants compete for one million yen, trying to accomplish various physical and mental tasks. The catch is, if you lose, you must then drink poison from the "Crazy Good Fun! jug", while the audience laughs as you slowly die. In the video game, you are encouraged to practice your skills, and as you win in more and more tournaments, the tasks become harder and harder to complete. To add authenticity, so that players really feel like they are part of the games, you can play the game online, and if you lose, soldiers come to your house and put a bullet in your head. It's like Russian Roulette, except a whole lot zanier! When a Kemco representative was asked if this game would ever come to America, the representative responded, "only if illegal immigrants start playing video games."
Our good friends at Nintendo, known for making games loved on both sides of the Pacific, are no stranger to obscure Japanese video games. Their recent addition to the world of gaming puts you in the shoes of Nicha Korita, a young man who just graduated from college, looking to succeed in the business world. Taking an interesting twist on Harvest Moon, you live from day to day, searching for jobs in the daytime, and socializing at night. If you play long enough, you may get to see Nicha through to his first promotion! Ill tell you, I played this game, and I simply do not understand why Nintendo would deprive us of such a masterpiece. I found myself addicted to this game, seeing Nicha move up on the company ladder on his way to assistant supervisor at a Fortune Cookie factory! It offers well over a decade of intense day to day gameplay, though, the part where you sleep is a little boring. I also nabbed this hottie, and we got married and had three kids. Perhaps in real life Im unemployed and couldnt get myself a girl if I had a ten inch member and a six-figure salary, but at least I can pretend its possible! Then again, if I actually stopped playing so many video gamesnah, no way!
Finally, from a small development house in Okinawa, a game known as "Nihiro Chester-san jiroko," literally translated as "Chester the Smiling Molester." This game centralizes on a very westernized middle-aged character named Chester, and Chester...is a molester. The plot of the game is very simple. You are based in the small town of HappySunshineVille. You, as Chester, must try and lure the children of the neighborhood to your van, and for each child you collect, you get points. It seems to be an interesting mix of Crazy Taxi, Need For Speed, and Grand Theft Auto, as you pick up these children using lures such as candy, toys, and puppy dogs, and try to avoid parents, and the fuzz. Chester, although being portrayed as a bad guy, has a very human side. He has needs, just like everybody else. His needs just happen to be sick and perverted, that's all. Obviously, this is not a game appropriate for Western audiences. Konami has shown interest in the game however, but said it required a change. "I think American audiences could really embrace this series, but obviously Chester can't be a molester. So, we'll just call him "Chester, the 'Just Over 18'...olester." I mean, people could really embrace Chester, the middle-aged man getting girls (or boys, depending on the game settings) half his age. If we say they're over 18, then what can anybody complain about? And the characters need to be hot...really hot, with huge boobs." So perhaps not all of these games will stay in the Land of the Rising Sun. We just have much higher standards, obviously.
If any of these games sound like potential winners, e-mail these companies to bring these games to America! (note: N-Sider.com and N-Sophisticate do not take any responsibility for anyone dumb enough to actually e-mail these companies thinking these are real games, and exercise the right to join the masses that will laugh at you when you make a complete ass of yourself thinking that these ridiculously fake games are real.)