Episode III - Early Teen Ignorance

By: Dean Bergmann

ouchWelcome back my well-established fan base, This is Dean Bergmann once again with another episode of the well-established series of articles with the well-established name of Confusions of a Gamer! I'm not normally one to use exclamation marks in my writings but please keep in mind I just woke up, and within the last week I have almost died twice. Normally when I write an article of this style I'll include an image (albeit embarrassing) of myself on the left of the opening (this) paragraph. Last Saturday, not even an hour after I posted last week's Confusions of a Gamer, I got into a pretty big accident on the way to a friend of mine's birthday party -- that's my car on the left. I'm okay however, and I'm still able to write, walk, and all the other good stuff an 18 year old should be able to do. So with that all said, it's time to talk about stuff relevant to our gaming life, and that my friends are the kids (typically 13-15 years old) who are just starting out high-school; the kids who never played games when they were younger and only started playing games in the post-Playstation era.

I'm sure you've all run into these types of kids if any of you are currently in high-school, or work at a gaming store -- these kids believe that because they play Grand Theft Auto 3 and/or Vice City, they are therefore the coolest gamers out there. Not only do they believe they are the coolest, they also believe that they know everything about any game for the PlayStation 2, XBox, and will likely believe the GameCube is the worst console on the market. It's not so much the fact that they like the PS2/Xbox over the GameCube, it's the insane bull-shit they throw out there (see: lies) to tell you how much superior their console is over the one of your choice.

Not too long ago I was in Electronics Boutique (yes, quizzing them, asking them the Onyx question) and was browsing the used games section. This kid, about fifteen years old, comes up to me and begins telling me that the game I was holding (SSBM) was the worst game for the GameCube and that the only fighter worth getting was available on the PlayStation 2. Knowing that he would be a fountain of inspiration for this very article, I continued on watching his mouth spew forth continuous piles of steaming bull. One by one he grabbed GameCube games and told me everything that was wrong with them - including games that we know are some of the best on the console - until he got to Metroid Prime. When he picked up the box, I told him that I really enjoyed the game and it provided a really tough challenge and immersive storyline with great game play mechanics. He looked at me for about two seconds, quickly ran to the XBox section and picked out the box for Halo.

I could tell right off the bat this kid had never played Metroid, and the way he was describing previous games to me was largely based by looking at the screenshots on the back of the boxes. Before he started talking about Halo and it's supremacy over the "piece-of-shit" Metroid, he began to tell me that the game play in Metroid was horrible because most of the time you're a little ball and it's entirely in third person (the screenshots on the back of the Canadian cover shows a picture of the morph ball). On top of this, he told me the character (Samus), no wait, I'll quote it for you: "The guy who you're playing as looks like a girl, no guy has a waist like that". Almost unable to hold in the laughter, I just looked in awe and wonder at this kid.

I'm not going to waste much more time on this kid because just remembering it makes me feel dirty - to make a long story short, he began an entire sales pitch on Halo and how good the Xbox was. After he completed his little rant I went into full editor-mode. I started off with his Xbox arguments and knocked them down one by one, and asked him what other games for Xbox were as good as his praise for Halo? I gave him 5 seconds to answer and since he was attempting to think, I continued on. I took him back to the GameCube section, told him everything about every game he mentioned to me and picked up Metroid Prime once again. I told him first off the bat that you are playing as a girl, to which he just snuffed and his homophobia set in -- secondly I told him that the game is in both first and third person, the graphics are incredibly impressive, and that the morph ball plays a small, but important part of the game. When I was done he looked at me with a confused look on his face, thinking I was full of total BS, he went to ask the EB employee for clarification.

The episode mentioned above went on for about 15 more minutes, and in the end I was asked to leave the store, and so was this kid. Sadly enough these occurrences do not just happen in gaming stores. Having graduated from high school this year, I had the pleasure of dealing with the new generation of idiot gamers out there. As a pick-up course in my final year, I took grade 11 photography, which is a tech course so anyone in grade 10 or above can take it. One example of wasted life-essence was this kid named Ryan; now I don't want it to sound like I hate this kid -- well, yes I do -- but he was one of those kids who you knew had no friends, joined the Anime club, wore various anime shirts and had a lot of those 'dragon' throw-over button up shirts that kids like that wear. To top it off, he had a lazy eye and you guessed it, always tried to jump into conversations pretending to know exactly what the parties involved were talking about.

Just before E3 I was talking with my teacher about it (and since he has three kids under ten, he knows a bit about gaming and asks me about consoles and what would be good to get, etc.) and we were talking about the various job opportunities and products that would be presented while we were down there. In comes Ryan, who not only cuts me off but starts talking about the history of E3 and how it used to be in Los Vegas before it went to Los Angeles -- to which I replied "No, it was in Atlanta", he then replied that it was in Vegas and I was wrong. I asked him how long ago it was in Vegas and he said that the last year it was there was in 2001. Apparently what he failed to realize was I was wearing an E3 2001 media hat (from the media breakfast) and it bluntly says Los Angeles on it. Not only was my teacher laughing, I was just looking at this kid with a dumbfounded look on his face.

Flash forward a week and change, and I have returned from E3. He begins to tell me that Doom3 was playable and that the Halo2 game play, and I quote: "owns". I was in a conversation with a friend of mine in the class at the time, Mike, who I've known for years and he understands the complex mechanics that is the gaming industry. Continuing on, Ryan buds in with the above comments to which I reply that No, Doom3 wasn't playable - and while Halo2 looks amazing, it might not offer much over the original in terms of ingenuity and upgrading it's play style. He kept trying to drill it into my head that Doom3 was playable, when I asked him who he had heard that from, he said he read it in a forum somewhere. I try to avoid this sorry excuse for a 'gamer' at all costs, and when the graduation survey went around asking what our biggest pet peeve is, in front of his face I said "People who don't know what they're talking about".

I think most of you will agree with me that working at a gaming website, and you our readers keeping up to date with current news, is kind of a double edged sword. On the upside you know things that most other uninformed gamers don't get to know until it's printed in a magazine that only a small percentage read, and on the downside you are forced to have conversations with gamers who don't know as much as you, and when you know something is right, you will get frustrated because they totally deny your facts as fiction.

I'm not entirely sure what has caused this ignorance and uninformitivity (yeah it's not a real word, but it works) but whatever it is, we must find the cause and stop it. I have a weird suspicion that it involves Bill Gates, an undocumented number of golf balls, some silly putty, and six hundred litres of chocolate syrup. While I strongly believe the previous statement, it most likely has something to do with advertising. Effective advertising at that; which will be my topic next week, covering not just Nintendo, but Microsoft and Sony as well. So until the next Saturday rolls around, I'll try not to die and grace you with my presence again.

Keeping in trend with the style of these articles, the horror stories from EB Idiocy can be found below. Which reminds me, if anyone has any comments or stories to share about ignorant gamers who know too much bull for their own good, don't hesitate to e-mail me. Also, don't hesitate to jump in on our Official CoaG Discussion thread in our forums; there are always great conversations happening in there.

An Incident with The King?
There I am, in Walmart's Electronics section, staring at their controllers and other console accessories. The day before I had finaly received from Nintendo a $10 coupon off of a WaveBird. The WaveBird had been out for over three weeks and I was so excited I could barely stand my self. Back to the present; I scanned up and down. No WaveBirds. Turning around I rushed over to ask the clerk.

Me: "You wouldn't happen to have any WaveBirds?"
Elvis: Stares at me, with a questioning look.
Me: "You know. The wireless controller for the GameCube?"
Elvis: Continues to stare.
Me: "Ummm, its grey and wireless."
Elvis: "No, we don't carry N64 stuff anymore."
Me: "Uh, it isn't for the N64. Its for the GameCube."
Elvis: "No, I'm sorry."
Me: "Do you know when you'll have some?"
Elvis: Blank look.

I then decided I wasn't getting anywhere with this pimple and had better leave before I fried his brain.

The next month I return to Walmart hoping to find they had received a shipment of WaveBirds. Alas, still nothing. But I was in luck I thought. Elvis wasn't there. Some older man had the counter. Surely he could help.

Old Man: "Can I help you?"
Me: "Yes, you don't have any WaveBirds. The Wireless controller for the Nintendo GameCube."
Old Man: "Umm."
Me: "Do you know when you'll get some?"
Old Man: "Umm, no I don't."

I finaly decided to check K-Mart. I found the spot where they belonged, but no WaveBirds. I asked the clerk and he ran into the back and came out with four or five units. Happily I forked over my coupon, $20 and left for home.

Its a good thing I have a lot of self control. Else I would be banned from Walmart. Which is scary because Walmart and K-Mart are the only stores within a hundred miles that sell games and K-Mart's selection is worse than "Wally Worlds".

-Jamesc359

$$BM
Dean
First of all, you must know that you should be getting paid for what you do for N-Sider.com. Your writing style is better than most sites all over the web.
Now, onto my game-store idiocy experience. I was low on money, but I wanted Super Smash Bros. Melee (for Gamecube in case you didn't know; Game Stop obviously didn't), so I made the tough decision to buy it used. I called up the local Game Stop. Here is the actual conversation:

Me: Hello, do you have Smash Bros. Melee used, and if you do, how much is it?

GS guy: Uh...that's for Game Boy, right?

Me: No...It's for Gamecube.

GS guy: Okay, hold on (wait a couple minutes). Yes, we have it.

Me: Um...how much does it cost then?

GS guy: It's $15.

Me: Does it come with an instruction booklet?

GS guy: It sure does.

Me: Okay. I'll be there in a few minutes.

I left the house and drove for less than 5 minutes to get to Game Stop and proceded to the used game section. Looking around, I found one copy of SSBM used, sans instruction booklet and for $20. I thought that maybe I had called the wrong Game Stop, but then I heard the GS guy's voice, telling a customer that Gamecube isn't worth the money. That is truly ignorant, as this moron actually talked a mainstream gamer into buying an XBox with that crappy Bruce Lee game. I seriously felt sorry for that poor mainstreamer.

LoneMaleGerudo

Release Date + 1
Hey Dean...I loved this weeks editorial!!

I wanted to share an experience that I had at a Zellers in Burlington, Ontario, the Tuesday that Metroid Prime was released. I went in the Tuesday, just hoping that we, in Canada, would get a game on the actual release date and not the next day...why do we have to wait a day for the games to make it here? I guess getting the games shipped by Dog Sled is difficult...or is it our year-round snow covered roads...or, maybe it's the fact that we all live in igloos...that must be it :) Ok, back on track now...I go in and ask the lady working in the Entertainment department if they have any copies of Metroid Prime for Nintendo Gamecube. She looks in the cabinet and can't find, I tell her that it just came out that day, so she goes behind the counter and fumbles through some boxes and says that she can't find it, but they do have it on PS2. I explain to her that it's a Nintendo made game, so it is exclusive to the Gamecube. She then goes on to tell me that if it was available on the PS2 it would've been better...I just laughed at her and left. I drove down the road and picked the game up at Future Shop. Why are employees so dumb!?

Jason

Well, that's it for the stories this week. And if you want to know how I almost died the second time, well, I had to change the road-sign for the theatre in the pouring rain -- 40 foot drops are not too fun.