Episode I: The Masters of the Universe
Greetings Men and Women of the gaming public, I am Dean, and Dean I shall remain. You are about to embark on what is hopefully the first in a series of opinion pieces on all life experiences related to Nintendo and gaming in general.
I can be fairly certain that I am not making any crude generalizations when I say that the majority, if not entirety of the people who read our site are over the age of 13. I can also assume that anyone over the age of 13 who has any relatives younger than them, who love to come over and monopolize our respective gaming consoles, will be able to identify with this article.
What Im talking about of course, are kids. Now granted, were all kids at heart, but Im talking about the real kids. The 4-10 year old demographic who think they can conquer any videogame by button mashing, and then gracefully call themselves the master of that video game and proceed to tell others the ways of the force.
I dont know if its just something in their heads that doesnt register the age difference between myself (19) and my cousins (9 and 7), but whenever they come for their visits at my place they always proceed directly to my GameCube and for the two days theyre here, Im either sitting there being badgered about how to play games Ive owned for months, or helping the so-proclaimed masters beat a certain part in Zelda. Of course, since in many cases the younger generation-gamer you are playing along side of is family, you rightfully cant snap at them to get them to shut up. Granted, it gets better as they get slightly older, but its still a total pain in the gluteus region.
Take for example my cousins mentioned above. When I first got my GameCube It was at its launch back in 2001. I had a small grace period before Christmas where I wouldnt have to deal with interruptions in my gaming goodness. When SSBM came out, I religiously rented the game and of course, by no coincidence it was to be the same weekend my family was coming to visit. Keep in mind these children were two years younger than current, and their comprehension was greatly less. So there I am, Mario, pounding the living crap out of Link and Donkey Kong with that light-sabre knockoff and for an entire day the only apparent way to kill anyone, was with that sword. You can only hear get the laser-sword, its the only way to win! so many times before you purposely find another weapon to kill someone with. Seemingly, you would think this would shut them up. But as you all who have experienced this would know, this did not happen. For just as my luck would have it pokeballs started falling from the sky. And they just flipped. As with any kid that age, they were naturally obsessed with all things pokemon, so for the next few hours I was putting up with an endless quest to find (and open) pokeballs so they could recite every friggen pokemon the world has ever seen.
If anyone here can relate to my story, than this is a good sign because I really hope this isnt some cruel trick that some possibly-existent higher power is playing on me. Furthermore, not only could I not snap at my cool-but-often annoying cousins, I had to bottle in all the anger and rage that was building inside of me. Imagine a 7 and 5 year old yelling constantly get the pokeballs, get the laser swords, thats the only way to win at you. If you ever need an anger-tolerance lesson, give me a call, you can come visit while theyre here.
Fast forward two years, to today of all days and imagine me playing Ikaruga all by my lonesome, in peace when two little kids come running, and by running I mean mach five down the stairs diving into their comatose positions in front of a 36 TV to play their games. Do they wait for me to finish playing my game? Of course not!
Dean, whats this? they ask,
Ikaruga, its a new game I got.
Why are you red the interrogation begins.
It absorbs the fire
Oh you have to turn over to win the game
I know.
Thats the only way you can win, you have to absorb their fire
Yes, I know
*fifteen minutes later*
You have to turn and shoot to win
This is when I turned off my GameCube, put in Zelda, gave my cousins the controller, and left. Now as I said at the beginning of this piece, they immediately think they are masters at any game they play. Zelda was no different. They had a guidebook (they dont even own a GameCube, so naturally this guidebook was bought specifically for trips to my house) on how to beat the Wind Waker. Now thats fine, theyre 9 and 7, thats cool with me if they cant beat it on their own, but when Im working peacefully on something for school, N-Sider, or talking to a friend on MSN, and they have to come and interrupt me asking how exactly to beat an entrance to a dungeon (when they have a guidebook!) thats where I draw the line.
The first time Ill beat it and quickly leave, and then theyll come ask for more and more help. Isnt the point of a game to learn how to beat the puzzles for yourselves? Its sad to think the new generation doesnt understand that moral. Gamers our age, that grew up with the NES, know what gaming is all about: The strategy, the puzzles, and the storylines. Its not all about graphics or how many bits a system is (that entire argument is flawed in itself), but this generation (the 5-14 group) seem to think that all a game is good for is how pretty it looks and how many hookers you can pick up or run over.
Just like how in regular life there are generation gaps between certain events and behaviours, I believe that this current generation of young gamers is the gaming industrys first generational lapse, where the virtual-gene pool got a little to shallow to produce qualified gamers and all their behaviours are based on a games appearance.
Hopefully, when we (the 1980s and older crowd) get our respective jobs in the gaming industry, we will be able to persuade the next generation into believing that the quality of story and playability are more important than the quality of graphics or violence that is in a game. I hope this quasi-rant was entertaining and that some of you were able to identify with my experiences. Feel free to e-mail me with any other horror stories you might have, and if I get enough Ill do a follow-up consisting of your experiences with this generation of gaming-degenerates.
And remember, if theyre family, tolerate them. But if its some little kid in Toys R Us or Electronics Boutique, dont be afraid to give him a smack if his mother isnt around. If you do, blame it on the parents. They grew up with Atari, they should know better.
See ya next week I hope.