As noted on Twin Galaxies, the self-proclaimed "Official Electronic Scoreboard" for the whole entire internet, N-Sider staffer Brandon "Where'd I Put My Pockets" Daiker has achieved the third-fastest minimalist speed run in Super Mario World with a stunning time of 12 minutes and 14 seconds.
In a heavily censored post-race interview, Daiker was heard to say,
"I called the ****ing moles in that Super Mario World level ******* *** ******s when they kept trampling me. It was pretty offensive, even to my own ears. But I just kept saying it. It was funny."
In a later exchange, Daiker also commented on his mechanical ingenuity.
"Zima is so ****ing lame that it's ****ing awesome. It tastes like Sprite. I drink it almost exclusively. One time I was gettin mad busy and I wanted to get a zima without leaving but I didn't know how to do that so I built a robot to get it."
Daiker's speed run is, by the laws of statistics, likely much faster than yours. It is also provably faster than those of the slower-minded N-Sider staff members, most notably one Jeffrey "Jeffery" Van Camp.