Mouth-on with Super Mario 3D Land Nameplate!

I know the box says "nameplate" in huge letters printed overtop of what itself is a sort of nameplate. It even has some kinda holes in the corners to make it look more platey. I get it, this product is about the nameplate! But do you see up there in the upper right corner of the box, how it says "candy," which you can read because you are an expert at Japanese culture and language, and candy is a big part of it? I have to admit, merely seeing the word candy printed on this box as I looked through the toy and candy novelty section surrounded by tiny children made my mouth water! I could feel the candy-spit leaking out from between my teeth, preparing to receive that sweet candy. So I tossed that box into my life-partner's shopping basket, even at its ludicrous asking price of 150 yen (nearly $13,000 at today's exchange rate).


Look at Mario's goddamned face on this thing! Look at his mouth, hoo baby! He is like "oooooh too crazy, ooooh." His little tiny pinhole mouth. And oh, tonight. I had just finished watching Michael Douglas order a ham and cheese Whamlette and I was stricken with the urge for candy! It was time. I went to the cupboard to choose a Mario-themed candy/trinket combination box from my massive stockpile. This one had a nice box shape, I figured it was ripe for the pickins. I savagely ripped open the top of the box to extricate the contents. Inside: one nameplate, and one foil-wrapped candy. I was not prepared for this sweet treat.


WHAT

?! This candy was not much of a candy at all! It wasn't even Mario-themed! In fact, I would go so far as to proclaim the piece of candy contained in Super Mario 3D Land Nameplate to be barely a candy at all. It's one of those low-tier pieces of Halloween candy, the kind that is so plain that you can't even actually buy it separately in a store, like it doesn't even have a name. If you tried to specifically request one of these things from the candy store shopkeep, you couldn't even ask for it, because it is called nothing. It is "a piece of candy." Candy, in its raw natural form, as it occurs in the wild, waiting to be tamed.

Would you believe it tasted almost entirely like Super Mario 3D Land Gummy that I ate just last week? I bet it is all exactly the same goop, but some of the goop goes down the line and becomes gummy, and some of it becomes candy. It had that light pineapple flavor. I sucked it for eight minutes and fifty-two seconds. It tasted the same the entire time. Hey, look at this goddamned nameplate though!!


The front has Mario on it, whoa! What could be on the back?


Uh oh, rad! It's a place to write your name, assuming it is exceedingly short! This is the perfect time to have a short name, like Rip, Bort, Tank, or Mutt! They would all fit onto this real aluminum nameplate, and then you could ship off to the war with one of these bad boys around your neck, tellin' Jihad P. Terror that you will not accept any bullshit from their hate cannons!

I wonder what kind of candy comes in the field rations these days? It has to be better than Super Mario 3D Land Nameplate's little candy pellet. I would rather eat a Spree than eat one of these again. I do not want to collect the other seven nameplates. Maybe I will give it away to a small child, as long as he has the right name to receive it, since I already personalized it.