Only a fool would sink their teeth directly into a Kid Icarus Uprising Choco Snack, packages of which now adorn the shelves of various grocery marts peppering the cities of Japan. Yes, to recklessly crunch right into one of the blackened Medusa droppings is not unlike biting into a gigantic piece of Cocoa Puffs cereal, which I have not eaten in years because Japan does not believe in cereal.
You see, a true connoisseur of these gastrointestinal reset bombs foregoes the immediate pleasures of instant gratification, instead opting to let the discolored balls simmer in their mouth as though dropped into their own personal Fiend's Cauldron. As the crunchy corn skeleton begins to yield, untold heights of chocolate enjoyment may be achieved, and the eater may discover that the intensity and quantity of the chocolate locked inside each squalid nug is truly surprising!
What makes Kid Icarus Uprising Choco Snack(s) unique is how it is Fully and Totally permeated with chocolate. I found myself wondering how they crammed all that choco into the little orb, and ate another to find out, then another. Before I knew it, the entire, massive pack of a kid's handful of snacks was gone. Below, the entire contents of the pack.
When first I added the date to my calendar on which Kid Icarus Uprising Choco Snack would be available here in Japan, I realized it was, depressingly, not the first time I had added the release date for a piece of game-related food or drink to my upcoming events. Perhaps it is only justice that despite my knowledge of exactly when the snack would "hit store shelves" nationwide, it took me well over two weeks before I first actually found a pack in my local grocery mart (known, in transplanted English-to-Japanese, as "Gurumet Shitty").
Each foil pouch costs 100 yen, which usually ends up being 105 yen with tax, and contains the cursory "snack" item as seen above, as well as a thin foil packet, which is glued to the back of the pouch and contains a single Kid Icarus Uprising AR card. There are a total of 20 cards available, though if anyone can consume enough of these crystallized dog farts to actually acquire all 20 I think they deserve a reward slightly more substantial, like an armpit rash. My packet contained "Cake."
Though the AR cards don't really do much for you in Kid Icarus Uprising, they're still kind of neat little guys. Amid the recent news that Nintendo of Japan will now sell the sets of cards in packs of twenty, separate from the Choco Snacks, I find myself wondering if eating all those Choco Snacks was worth it, if the trials that I put myself through in the name of Snack made me a better man.
Then I look to my robot, who gently massages my toes each night while he plays Super Famicom, and realize the only choice I ever had wasn't if, but when.
...psst. Do you want to eat some Kid Icarus Uprising Choco Snack? In about a week, I will mail a free package of snack Virtually Anywhere In The World to three randomly-selected people who make a comment on this post. In your comment, it would be nice if you said something other than just "farts" but technically there is no rule preventing you from just typing farts and hitting post. Maybe I will choose the comment winners on a slightly anti-farts basis?
Haven't tried out our new comment system yet? Just take a second to sign up if you haven't already, or sign in with your existing forum account. If you're signing up, make sure you use an e-mail address we can contact you at when you win and it's time to mail you this item. Then you too can enjoy the chocolate wads (maybe).